I have an Indian friend who is careless in his habits as he crosses railway lines with express trains approaching at speed

I have a knowledge of high speed trains after being hit by one when I was twenty-eight

I was strangely uninjured even though I took the full force of the train

By the laws of physics I should have exploded with my body parts spread far and wide

The only injury that I received was a bruised elbow and a headache which lasted for six months

It was suggested that I was the Christ Child and in connection with this assumption I was asked to re-write the Bible in a postmodern and hyper realist style

To achieve this I added a great number of footnotes some quite graphic

There were four hundred and ninety six footnotes per page

On the day of its publication I sent a copy of my Bible to my Indian friend as well as a hi-viz jacket so that he might cross busy railway lines in a degree of safety

I was also given an open-air theatre by the publishers as well as a wife and a tweed jacket

Sadly the reviews were mixed and quite hostile which did not bother me but caused my Indian friend’s friend to end his life in a rural storm drain