eye had been sitting on the train for about ten minutes reading a book about the irish rebellion of seventeen ninety eight

my book had been lavishly illustrated by george cruishank

eye was studying in graphic detail an illustration of the murder of george crauford and his granddaughter when eye noticed the woman opposite me looking very pale

with sympathy eye closed my book but it was too late as by the time we reached hampstead the woman had faded totally leaving only her home waters

eye alighted at this station as eye was seeking a racehorse

there are no racehorses in hampstead 

 

the golf links near the racecourse had become overgrown and the once pristine greens were now covered in weeds and populated by greedy rabbits which hid occasionally when large birds came into view in my opinion neither care for the scottish game

 

do you teach it as an undergraduate subject

eye am a lawyer

the biggest thrill for me is testing myself against the senior judges

universities are basically research institutions

that is not teaching but indoctrination

it was like teaching a lawyer to sing

this is my station eye hope you will have an agreeable weekend

 

last weekend eye stood in the shadow of a windmill

thinking that the sky was red

eye penned a letter to you

you replied within the hour detailing your thoughts on primary colours

it was too late as eye had left for the beach

whilst you were swimming with rupert eye lay on our yellow towel and exchanged your fine jewellery for a tray of melons

you scolded me on your return as you had requested oranges

 

the red and white sign stated

no tamping between markers

eye ignored it and purchased a cuckoo clock

eye often did this on thursdays 

 

on the Friday evening eye settled down with lady caroline lamb and watched the germany verses armenia football match

germany scored first but armenia soon equalised from the penalty spot

the visitors were however destroyed as the germans scored five goals in the final twenty one minutes to win by six goals to one

we had planned to visit byron in our time machine to warn him of the fever but were unable to do so because of the summer storms

in view if this we decided to visit the local shops and buy our dog some carrots

 

eye cried when marquez died

so did the priests

on my poultry farm

 

when in florida eye watched the movie night moves for the second time eye had originally seen this movie in nineteen seventy five that evening eye painted my black veranda white whilst watching low flying planes

 

both Thomas shoel and eye were sitting in mondrians studio writing hymns

tommy was composing the words and music to the opening hymn whilst eye was working on the close hymn

mondrian was painting as normal

during the afternoon tommys cat joined us and became very friendly with the artist

at about seven in the evening the cat knocked a copy of juvenals sixteen satires into a tray of red paint

we all laughed at this seventeenth satire

even the cat was amused

 

when eye am fully recovered eye will begin again said the judge as he sentenced me to six years imprisonment

my crime was to have run a house a house of pleasure for twenty eight ladies

one of which was his wife

it must have been fun whilst it lasted  the judge added

perfect my lord eye replied as eye was led to the cells

 

in the caves of the blind fish eye frequently use a torch

they are not aware of this

however they often dance when eye play jewish songs

hava nagila is one of their favourites

 

when eye was at school eye was often called

the special monitor

this was because eye had the ability to distinguish between different colour chalks

it was considered that my gift came directly from god

 

from where eye sat eye could see the secret drinkers and their outriders in the window of the inn

one of these men had a collie called hollywood bitch

the dog was also looking for mahon

on a beach in southern russia there stood three beach tents

one yellow

one red

one brown

they were made from a rough canvas but looked plastic in appearance

nobody ever used these changing tents

each day mahon passed these bathing tents on his way to work

walking slowly on the fine sand of the scruffy beach

mahon had never seen anybody use this beach in the six years he had been passing the beach tents

he supposed that this day would be the same and passed the yellow tent without a glance

it was as he was passing the red tent that he noticed something different

he did not spot it straight away but halfway down the rough canvas was written

menenius wife rufa the bolognese

sucks rufus off

shes the old bag one sees

in cemeteries

all the time

beside a grave

snatching the food placed

on the funeral pyre

and cuffed by the undertakers

half shaved slave

for chasing loaves

that roll out of the fire

mahon could not understand why someone would have taken the trouble to write these lines apparently with great difficulty onto this red canvas tent

as he considered this thought he became aware of movement within the tent

he stepped back fearing a disturbed bather

the flap opened slowly and slowly a green octopus began to emerge and make its way towards the sea

your dog is crying again said one of the secret drinkers as he passed the whining dog

the owner of the dog a small man did not reply and crouched exhibiting a tenderness towards his pet not normally associated with men of his height

 

on a school trip eye listened to my teachers fuck

whilst discussing grammatical considerations

with my naked cousin

 

eye have worked in a productive east midlands town for the last ten years designing red and white cranes

my neighbour also designs cranes

of no colour

eye am ten years older than my neighbour  

 

in his book tomatos and war captain richard mad rick strange ways told of the horrors he had experienced during the first world war

he was praised for the graphic description of the brutality he had witnessed but also was praised for his useful hints on how to cultivate tomatos during times of conflict

strange ways was born in Cheltenham in eighteen ninety one the only son of a vicar and a cultivated field

from a young age he knew that he was destined for a career in the army despite his love for tomatos and other soft fruits

after serving in india and south africa he found himself in northern france in the middle of the bloodiest conflict of his long experience

yet amongst the carnage and senseless loss of life he saw many opportunities for the successful cultivation of tomatos

in a letter he wrote to his father in july nineteen sixteen he notes

it is quiet tonight there is no movement in any of the trenches in this area apart from a party going in the german trenches for private gabbots birthday

eye hope he has had a happy day and will forgive me for shooting his brother dead yesterday

as eye look at the shattered trees and decaying bodies in the moonlight eye find myself thinking not of myself or my german comrades but of my beloved tomato plants

from where eye stand in no mans land eye can just see my plants at the end of our trench

eye consider that given the correct weather that my tomatos will be ready to eat by the end of the week

he earned his nickname mad rick because of his repeated visits to the enemy trenches with his pistol in one hand and a tomato plant in the other

quite often he would be trapped in no mans land under heavy fire but always took the time to plant tomato plants and other soft fruits in the shell holes as he considered that the gases and decay of his fallen comrades beneficial to the improvement of the plants

he once returned from an attack on an enemy trench with a cutting of a new germanic strain of tomato

he built a greenhouse between our trenches to cultivate this new strain of soft fruit after agreeing to share the intellectual rights to the tomato with a captain beck who like mad rick was the son of a vicar and a cultivated field

this experiment sadly ended in failure when the green house was destroyed by the concussion of a passing shell

unlike many of his comrades mad rick survived the war and in the years after travelled worldwide with the army discussing new strains of tomatos with the leaders of various countries as well as passing on useful pest control hints to all who listened

captain richard mad rick strange ways died in nineteen forty four when attempting to climb mount everest with four bulgarians

his companions buried him on the summit of the great mountain under a plot of tomato plants

his obituary written by his daughter shirley appeared in the times the following day

medium sized fruits with an excellent flavour

compact plants with a heavy crop

planting time  may to june

position  forty five centimetres apart in well prepared soil in a sunny sheltered position or green house

care  keep well watered until established and in dry weather protect from frost and high mountains feed once first truss has set support plants with canes

harvest approximately eight weeks after planting

tip  remove side shoots to encourage tomatos to ripen

 

my wife and eye were asked by a production company to prepare a short film on german football

we travelled to north west germany to play for a small football club called sv keppler

in the dressing room eye introduced my wife to the players

her name is caron

what is the most hated club in germany she asked of the centre half

bayern we all hate bayern he replied

eye thought everybody in germany hated shalke she added

no everybody loves shalke said the goalkeeper as he emerged from the toilet

german football is so complex

we then all changed

sv keppler play in green and white and their shirts are identical to those worn by hibernian in scotland

our opponents were aag kirchasen who played in all red

they were bottom of the table and had been knocked out of the cup the previous week by a side from the forth tier

my wife was nervous about playing and making a fool of herself in fron of the cameras

eye told her that the game was simple

she agreed to play a holding midfield role when she came on as we were both substitutes

eye was to play up front

keppler scored in the first minute and led four nil at half time

after seventy five minutes eye came on replacing the centre forward who suffered a slight thigh strain

almost at once eye was set free by a perfect ball from the full back and outpaced the centre half before squaring the ball for our number eight to score

the score was six one

caron came on with twelve minutes to play and was asked to play an attacking midfield role instead of the holding midfield role that had been previously agreed

with two minutes to go she headed on a corner to me and from a yard out eye managed to hit the underside of the bar

the follow up was blazed over by our centre half

this was the last meaningful action of the game

the final score was eight one to sv keppler

my camera crew confirmed that they had recorded some quality footage

my wife was the toast of the club and was celebrated in the bar afterwards

the camera crew my wife and eye left the football club at about five in the evening and returned to our hotel fifteen kilometres away

both caron and eye had been presented with club shirts

we promised to return

in the hotel that evening after her second shower of the day my wife wore the green and white sv keppler football shirt as the room had become cool