I am shagging my sister and my school teacher at the same time
Well not really at the same time as that would be impossible
Is that your full name sir
Yes
It is a bit long I fancy
Not really as my bro is called
There are sixteen roundabouts in Basingstoke three of which have been the scene of fatal accidents
Does you brother work sir
Yes he is a policeman
I know that I do not need to know this but what is your sister called
I do not know as I have never asked her
Mary I think
Okay then back to you
Mr
What shall I call you
Just call me Martyn
Well Martin
It is not Martin with an i but Martin with a y
Martyn
If I use Martin then I am easily confused with Martin Heidegger you see
It happens all the time
I suppose it does
Well back to your application I see that you state that you want to be the Dean of St Paul’s
Yes the one in London
John Donne is the Dean of St Paul’s
He is my favourite poet you know although he has not had anything published for a while
That is because he is dead sir
Funny that I was only saying to my missus that I had not seen anything about John in the newspapers for a while
You would have thought that they might have carried his obituary or something
That is because he has been dead for over three hundred years sir
Then there is an opening then
Opening
Yes that will make things easier
Please explain sir
Well I popped down to St Paul’s last week to have a chat with John
Go on
I knew that I had this interview coming up so I thought I would be proactive
Proactive
Yes proactive
I knew that John has been the Dean for a long time and I was going to ask him did he want to do a job swap with me
You wanted to do a job swap
Yes
Were you working
Yes
Where
At the chippy on Albert Street
It burned down two years ago sir
I know but the fryers were not damaged you see
Are you still there
No
Why did you leave
Job satisfaction
I was not getting any job satisfaction
You quit
Yes and that was why I went to London to see John
I thought he might fancy it as a bit of a change
I know that I would certainly like meeting the Queen
What happened
John was not in
That was because he was dead sir
I did not know that then did I
Well this kind of vicar prayed with me and then gave some holy water and a food parcel donated by those kind people at Iceland
So it was not a wasted trip Martyn
It was
Really why
Because all the food defrosted on the tube
I see
Well back to you Martin
It is spelt Martyn
Sorry
You do realise that the Dean of St Paul’s is a little out of your league Martyn
But if John is dead there is obviously a vacancy
Agreed but the church fills them very quickly
Really with him not even cold
Sadly so
That is so unfeeling
I agree
I do not think that God would be impressed
I am sure he wouldn’t
Is the Pope still alive
Yes
Damn and blast I would have liked a bit of that Italian sunshine
Is he old
Yes a bit
So he might pop his clogs quite soon you are saying to me
Martyn are you a Catholic
No does that matter
A bit
Is the Pope Catholic
Yes
I could always convert
It might take too long
That is disappointing but I suppose I could come down a peg or two and become a Bishop
The Bishop of Bath and Wells maybe
Out of the question
Just a plain Bishop then
Still out of the question
Why
Well I have seen on file that you think that religion is a load of old rubbish
I do
That would not really help with any job application would it
Why
Well one of the rules for entry into the church is a belief in God
Really
Yes it is a strange world
You would think that the church would let any anybody in
Discrimination
There are laws against that
I know
Do you think I should take it further
I think that your case might be dismissed Martyn
Why
Because you have not even applied for a job with the church
I suppose you have a point
Martyn I am writing the date of our next appointment on this little card will you be able to keep it
The 22nd of February 1955 yes that will be okay
It will give you the time to do some serious job hunting
It will
Well goodbye Martyn
Thank you
Please can I have your name
John Smith
That is a coincidence
Why
That was my aunties name
It is a small world Martyn
It sure is
Goodbye Martyn