I had a female friend

I still have a female friend

Who is the most intelligent woman I know

She shares the same shelf as me

There is no disputing this fact

But she is also one of the ugliest women I know

This is acknowledged openly by my friend

I have a very beautiful mother

Who is ageing like a fine wine

And I have inherited her looks

We both agree that there is a God

It is pretty obvious to us both

As someone somewhere has a sense of humour

I once asked my female friend that if God

Knocked on her door one evening and offered her beauty

Instead of her considerable intellect would she agree

She said that she would decline as she felt comfortable

In her own masses of skin and fat

But what a brain such a brain

Beauty is a small price to pay

I thanked her for her honest answer

She then asked me had I ever seen a woman so beautiful

That she would remain in my memory

I told her that my wife was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen

Then you are a happy and content man

I am a happy and content man

But away from your wife have you ever seen a woman so beautiful

That she took your breath away

I said that this had happened most recently in Canterbury

On a warm summers day

My wife and I had just left the railway station of the east

When we saw a jewess so beautiful that we both remarked on it

But she was the saddest person I had ever seen

Her raven eyes seemed totally devoid of life

A passing mystery it puzzled and troubled me

Until I noticed her orthodox husband

Standing at the bottom of the path

He was considerably older than her and already fat

The marriage had possibly been arranged

I hoped that it was not consanguineous

This woman was so beautiful that it should have been celebrated

The world should have celebrated her beauty

Like the Afghan Girl

But I knew that she would drop children one after another

And that she would turn to fat and her beauty would fade

(as the Afghan Girl had lost her beauty)

Her raven hair would turn stress grey and become wiry

Although the eyes would not change (eyes never change)

The angry ravens would remain there to her last day

I decided to use the toilet at the base of the path

And for some reason her husband followed me in

As he stood next to me pissing I had a great urge to kill him

But nothing happened and our meeting (if it was one)

Passed without incident and he walked sternly towards his wife

And then they disappeared from our day

Into the hollow history I imagined

My friend asked me whether this was fact or fiction

As I do play mind games with her

Something of each I admitted

Do you have any other stories

Many

But they are for another day

I will tell you about the wedding guest

Who sat next to me on the sea wall

And told me that she was troubled

A light touch on the arm

A smile

Our separate ways