I used to travel a lot in Europe
When I was a Samurai
Samurai
Yes
Samurai Samurai
Were you a Samurai
No just Joe Jackson from Bow
I always wore Samurai tee shirts
Blue Black Red and White
Samurai
No Joe
Samurai is longer with us
Is he dead
No he still works at the greengrocers
Do you have any holiday memories
Yes
Would you share them with my paper
No problem
I once travelled to Fuerteventura
With a girl called Richards
That is an odd name
It was her second name
She hated her first name
Why
Would you like to be called Mandy
That is my name
Sorry
I agree is is a gross name
She was well out of my league
A posh Jewish girl from North London
How did you meet her
She came into the greengrocers shop
And asked for a upmarket carrot
Upmarket carrot do they exist
Not that I know of
And then
She asked me if I was a Samurai
I told her I was
And then she asked if I would like to travel to Fuerteventura
I told her that the 69 bus no longer travelled there
And the next thing I knew was I was on a plane
Did you fancy her
Rotten
She ticked all my boxes
Raven hair
Raven eyes
Huge tits
Shakespeare’s Dark Lady
Need I go on
But she made it clear that I was the guy who would be there to stop men bothering her
After all I was a Samurai
She was true to her word
As we slept in different rooms
I wanted her so badly but as a Samurai you must always follow the code
The code
Yes the Code of Honour
The most erotic thing that happened was when she showed me her collection of bikinis
Wow
Yes I was a Lucky Joe
But hey ho it was a free holiday and I knew that I was in no danger of arrest *
And then it happened
You slept with her
No such luck
Please explain
On the second day she said that she would like to explore the dunes
Dunes
Yes they were about a mile distant from the town
I agreed as I imagined that no Samurai had visited the dunes before and I knew that Japan would be proud of me
It was more than a fucking mile more like three and Richards decided to stop on the highest dune with views to the sea and a hut selling orange juice
What happened then
I think I died
Sorry
She undressed fully in front of me
I was not disappointed as she had the most beautiful body I had ever seen
As I noted great tits and a trimmed landing strip
Landing strip
Her pubes
Oh I see
I have never heard it called that before
Really
It was raven like her hair
I longed to land there
A trip to Brazil
Come again
I wanted to fuck her but knew it was out of bounds
She told me to undress as it was a nudist beach
I told her that she had made me excited and as a Samurai I should not show any signs of sexual excitement
Richards said that she found it flattering if men on beaches became hard over her
So I undressed
With a hard on
Yes
What happened next
We went for a swim
And then shared an orange drink
Naked
Very much
Did anything else happen
Not much
Did you remain hard
No the sea was cool
We spent about three hours there and then returned to the villa
Her father owned it by the way
He must have been rich
She said he was a property developer
That fits
What were your feelings
I thought it was only a matter of time as I had seen every inch of her body
Did you touch her
In a way
Explain
She asked me to apply her sun oil
At first I applied it respectfully not touching her more intimate regions
The Code of Honour
Yes
But then she told me to stop acting like a faggot and do it properly
Image I was an artist working in oils
Artist
Yes
Another of her insults was that I was working in watercolours
The Samurai never work with watercolour paints
The must of confused you
I was a walking orgasm
Shower after shower after shower if you get my drift
No
I masturbated in the shower
Really that seems a sensible place to do it
I might give it a try
What is it like
Well you have erotic thoughts about the shower head
What did the Code of Honour say about it
Nothing and that has always confused me
Was there a outcome
Yes we went dinner (my treat)
But nothing else
I was totally fucked
Zero zero zero zero
I slept like a baby but was in for a shock in the morning
Why
Because we were not alone
Really
A holiday rep was in the apartment
Which company
Thomas Cook I think
She was wearing the company polo shirt
But only the company polo shirt
I was a little shocked you know
Why did she have a landing strip like Richards
Samurai are not easily shocked you know
But in answer to your question she was totally shaven
It was obvious to me that they had spent the night together
But on further enquires I found out that she had rocked up in the middle of the night pissed as a newt and the reason that she was half naked was that she had pissed or shit herself
Her shorts and panties were on the line in the sunshine
They were nearly dry
Were you uncomfortable
No it seemed that I was on drugs or my coffee had been spiked
Had it
No
I was just living the ultimate male fantasy and nightmare
Did you go to the beach that day
The nudist beach
Yes
What about you Code of Honour
That was long gone
I was in Heaven
We spent all day on that beach
I was getting so brown that I thought I would get stopped at customs
For the first time in my life I was completely happy
Two beautiful women
Totally naked
One Raven the other blonde
I really thought I was dead
But Samurai never die
Did it get better
What do you mean
Was a three on the horizon
I thought so as Maureen
Maureen
The rep
Of course
Came back to the apartment with us
I thought it was a matter of time
And then please tell as I am getting a little wet
Wet
Yes even Guardian journalists get wet
But do not worry as I always carry a spare pair with me
Sorry
Knickers silly
A girls best friend
The first rule of journalism
Always carry a clean pair of knickers
Sensible knickers
Does The Code of Honour mention that
No
Why
Because Samurai do not wear knickers
That figures
Carry on with your story
What happened I really cannot stand it
Nothing
Why
Because I passed out
Too much sun you see
What a cunt
I passed out because I was a wimp
Did they nurse you
I suppose they did
But I cannot remember it
This Samurai was in poor shape and what made it worse was that the villa was empty when I came to my senses
Empty
Yes
What happened
Richards had left a note
What did it say
It was brief
She told me that after a night of passion she had fallen in love with Maureen and that they were on their way to Italy
Romantic Italy
But I was welcome to stay in the villa as long as I wanted
How did you feel
Deflated
This Samurai cried
Samurai warriors do not cry
Poor you
Yes poor me
I left the next day
And as luck would have it I was stopped at customs even thought I was clean
It was okay because as soon as I told them I was a Samurai they waved me through
It scarred me a little you know as I did not want to go to prison *
Joe
Yes
Do you think I am attractive
In a way yes
But you do not have much competition do you as most women who work at the Guardian are fat ugly and have sideburns
That is very true
Joe
Yes
Would you take me to Fuerteventura
Why
Because I have never been there and am very attracted by the idea of nudism
I am no longer a Samurai
I guessed that
Lets go and see what happens and if you are very good then I might show you my tattoo
Tattoo
Yes
Where is it
On my butt cheek
What is it a rose or a violet
No just Jeremy
Then we will go in about two weeks
Fab
Do not forget your spare panties Mandy
There is no need
Why
Because I will not be wearing any Joe
History does not always go in circles you know