Coming soon
Showing Now
Daily at 7:45
Matinees Wednesday and Saturday
Samurai
My name is Joe
Samurai is still in prison
Your previous story was made into a movie
It was very successful
A sleeper
Low budget
Lots of female flesh
Beavers and all
A sure winner
I used to work with Mandy on the Guardian
How is she
Very happy
We are expecting
Congratulations Joe
Samurai
Have you thought of a name
Hammy
That is an unusual choice
It is quite a common name for a hamster
Hamster
Yes
I thought that Mandy was heavy with child
No more than me
It is an easy mistake to make
Tell me about Mandy
Well she is rather tall like me
She is blonde
And has great tits and shaves her cunt as she finds it cleaner
I was asking about your relationship after she interviewed you
Well it was love at first sight
We went to Fuerteventura
I took her to the dunes
We spent two weeks naked
And really fell in love
So we also booked a holiday in Lanzarote
And that is where it all went wrong
Did you fall out with Mandy
No far from it
Nobody falls out with with Mandy
She is a peaceful person
So in your own time what happened
It was on the second day
Mandy and I were walking near the beach
When a couple of blacks approached us
What were your first thoughts
That they were Mormons or at least connected with an evangelist church
Were they
No
Muggers
No
What happened
They tried to sell us some fake watches
I pretended that I did not speak French but that did not work
It was then that Mandy stepped in and said
Rape me but leave him alone and I do not want your fucking watches
Fuck off back to where you come from
In French
No
English
No Chinese
What happened next
Nothing but one of them called her a fucking white whore under his breath
In French
Yes
This provoked me and I was going to give him a piece of my mind
Nobody speaks to my English Rose like that
And then quick as a flash Mandy took my Samurai sword from me
What did she do
Studied the History of the Samurai
Really
No
She sliced the cunts head off with one blow
Were you shocked
Yes very
As my Samurai sword was for ceremonial use only and was not to be used to decapitate illegals selling dodgy watches
If you read the Code of Honour it says that quite clearly on page twenty-eight
Describe your feelings
Well I felt erotic again as Mandy had fucked me so hard that she had almost inherited my dick
No not that Joe
Samurai
What were your emotional feelings
I had none
The head had ended up in the seating of a burger bar but nobody had noticed it
What did you say to Mandy
I congratulated her on the dexterity of her stroke
It was superb I could have not bettered it in battle
Have you been to Hastings
That is a strange question Keith
Hastings is near Battle in Sussex
I know
Mandy was strangely calm as her Laura Ashley had some blood splatter
Blood is such a bitch to get out no matter what the adverts tell you
I will stop you there
Why
Because my battery has run out
Replace it
No my battery has run away as it cannot stomach violence
Here is Mandy’s vibrator battery it should do
Does she use a vibrator
No I do
Okay lets catch up
You are standing opposite me
So I am
What were your thoughts
That the cops would arrive soon
The other illegal had run off
I was sure he was going to the cops
Did he
No
Why
Think about it
Did the cops arrive
Yes
Who called them
A rather nice lady from Germany
As she found a head next to her table
Did it terrify her
No
Why
Because she worked in the City of London
And wanted to get ahead in life
She was very ambitious
It was then that I decided to take the rap
Mandy was innocent
It was me
The cops finally arrived as there had been reports of homosexual activity on the beach
I confessed
To the homosexual activity on the beach
No I am not a faggot
I confessed to decapitating the illegal
What did they do
Not much
They took my name and address
And asked me why I had acted in such a manner
I told them the whole story
Did they arrest you
Yes
The captain said that I might go down
This I took very seriously as I have never gone down on a man in my life
Women yes but never a man as I am no faggot
I think he might have meant that you would go to prison
What did Mandy do
Not much apart from saying that she was going to move the tattoo of Jeremy nearer to her arsehole and was planning a likeness of me on her other butt cheek
I was so deeply in love
I would do anything for her
I would serve time for Mandy
To cut a long story short I was found guilty but I have the feeling that the judicial system was not that interested as they found these watch sellers a problem
During the trial I found out that forty-six of the said sellers had died at the hands of fucked off Samurai’s in five years
I plea bargained with the judge and ended up with two choices
Being
Forty days in a women’s prison in Cadiz or painting the beach furniture on Paradise Beach
What did you choose
I wanted the death penalty
There is no death penalty in Spain
It was mostly abolished in 1978
Were you disappointed
Yes
Why
Being a martyr appeals to me
What did you get
I was told to pick my punishment from a hat
Your ticket
Paradise Beach
How long
Eternity and a day
You are kidding
I am
A week and a day
A day for the murder
And a week for making a mess on the general area
Was it hard
That is a strange question as I have have never heard of erections in a court of law
No the painting of the beach furniture
It was great fun as they had decided to use primary colours that season
Red and Blue mainly and White
White is not a colour
I told them that
What did they do
Reduced my sentence by a day
I was helped by two urban terrorists who had assassinated ministers in various European countries
I learned a lot about beach furniture and the politics of terrorism
It was incredibly interesting
Did Mandy stand by you
No she was fucking the Home Secretary to gain my early release
Did she gain an early release for you
No the Home Secretary was more into buggering boys than buggering Mandy
How horrible for you
I agree
Did it work out in the end
Very much
Mandy returned to the island and we spent the rest of the summer painting the beach furniture in various resorts
We visited each of the Canary Islands
And of late have set up a business in Fuerteventura
So Oxford Circus was not really convenient for you
A little inconvenient but with the movie coming out
I thought it would be fun
Thank You Samurai
Joe
Thank You Joe
Samurai
Oh I forgot one last question
Yes
Did Mandy have a likeness of you tattooed on her butt cheek
Yes it was very lifelike
Here are some photographs please ignore the explicit ones
May I have one
Be my guest
This one
Not a problem
She is such a gymnast
I will frame it for you
Mandy will sign it for you also
That would be lovely
Any particular message
Wet over you Cyril
I thought you were named Keith
Keith is my journalists name
Is Mandy Mandy’s real name
Yes
Although we all call her Maureen in the office
Fin