The queen stood at the window ironing naked as she always did as the fresh air was good for the sores that plagued her backside
The day was warm and the sky was brown with mottled cloud
Let’s hope we have a day of peace today
As she said that a bullet pierced the window and hit the milk jug on the table
It did not break
The milk jugs of the Empire are made to last do hand me my automatic
The Queen replaced her iron and waddled across the room and picked up the gun
How many rounds a minute did you say?
I am not sure beloved Stephenson will know
Queen Hennessy handed her husband the gun and he shot through the shattered window three times in rapid succession
I feel that I may have hit Wat Tyler the chap who fell certainly resembled him
At that moment Princess Isobel walked into the room
She was as naked as the queen but was a lot slimmer and only had one spot on her backside the result of an unfortunate engagement with the Infante of Spain
Coffee?
Please
I am afraid that the milk has been shot so do ring for some more
Are the peasants revolting again?
They are always revolting
The King and the Queen and Princess Isobel all laughed at the tired joke as they always did
A footman named George entered the room
Michael can you knock before you enter can you not see that I am still dressed
My apologies sire
I have already had to execute two of your sisters you are getting increasingly careless
I apologise again sire but one of the peasant leaders has requested an audience with you
Execute him
I cannot sir as he is married to my mother
I thought you mother was married to a hamster
She was but it killed itself on its wedding night
Is your mother fat like the queen?
I am not of that opinion sir
Then explain yourself
My mother is dead she died in childbirth
Was it when one of your now executed younger sisters was born?
No she died when giving birth to me you were there sir you helped with the delivery and shot her afterwards because of the noise she made
Oh yes my mind plays many tricks so much responsibility so much responsibility
Shall I show him up?
I thought I had executed them all
You did sir but you forgot to execute the people of Port Talbot
Oh yes how remiss of me
Would you be a good chap and tell him to pop up at eleven and ask him to bring some milk as I feel that this jug has been soiled
Anthony left the room and the King turned to his daughter who was eating her cornflakes at the table
Do you know King Daddy that on Friday the 17th of June 1631 a certain Mumtaz Mahal died in childbirth and that her grieving husband Shah Jahan spent the next seventeen years building her mausoleum which he called the Taj Mahal
Would you like to visit it beloved?
Sadly I cannot you burnt it down as a Christmas present for Queen Mummy last year
Another footman walked into the room and the King shot him dead on the spot
Blood splashed on to Princess Isobel’s cornflakes but she continued eating her healthy cereal
I think Thomas has a few last words for you King Daddy
The King knelt over the dying footman
I hope you have called me over to apologise
Yes sir I apologise humbly
That is a good man now die quietly
But sir we have the remainder of the Children’s Crusade ready for execution would you like me to give the order before I die?
The dead footman struggled to his feet
His blood dripped into the princesses golden hair
Yes but do keep the noise to a minimum as I do not want the dogs waking up again and while you are dying do make sure that you do not get any more blood on the the carpet as it is so expensive to remove
An hour later the King sat with his wife and daughter in the spacious gardens that backed on to the palace
They were all naked
As were the Ladies in Waiting and the painters and decorators
But not the Keepers of the Royal Bees
Distant gunfire could be heard but this did not disturb the tranquillity of the gardens
Because he loved his daughter so and to celebrate her coming out as a fully-fledged lesbian he had built her a Wall of Death between the two Yews and the Sycamore where she could ride her powerful motorcycles at increasingly precarious angles
Do you think I should wear leathers King Daddy when I go up on to the wall as you say that I have the most beautiful Infante scar
It is up to you lesbian dearest I like you the way you are but if you damage that mole then it might hinder our good relations with our friends in Spain
Prince Rupert who had the longest penis in the kingdom walked up and greeted his father
Behind him a shy retiring girl walked with her head bowed
This is Jean she is from France I intend to marry her
King Joe walked towards the shy girl
What do you think of underarm hair?
I like it sir it is a natural fashion accessory
How long is yours?
About three inches
You know that I stipulate five inches before marriage can take place?
I am aware of that sir and hope that my underarm hair will be of that length by Shrove Tuesday next
Do you know how to use a gun?
Yes sir
Have you killed many?
I have killed thousands in the course of my missionary work sir
Have you been to the Royal Pavilion in Brighton?
No sir
Good, good, dreadful building, dreadful building dreadful town
As King Joe finished his sentence a fireball flew over the garden wall and killed Jean and six footmen
Michael
Yes Sir
Would you arrange the invasion of a South Asian country spare no-one
Which one sir?
Your choice
Thank you sir
Spare no one
Yes sir
When King Joe turned around he saw Prince Rupert looking at the smouldering remains of his intended
She was in four pieces
Two parts of her body were near the roses and the other parts of the once shy girl were hanging from the trees where birds were already nesting in her thick but singed underarm hair
I am sorry son she seemed to such a nice girl
Do not worry father I only wanted for her sex
Was she good?
The best
Would you like to marry one of your cousin’s I hear that they are all quite dirty in their habits?
Not really father they are all albinos
What about my favourite horse?
It is bisexual you know
I always wondered why it wore make up before going into battle
Would you like to marry me?
I like French girl’s father
A little unusual but I have a wide mind
I quite fancy Princess Isobel and mummy brushes up well in certain lights so I might consider her
After we have slaughtered all the peasants and raped their dogs then we can sit down like father and son and discuss this matter
May I castrate the rebel leaders favourite football team as you know how I like sport
Consider it done
And may my favourite jazz band play as I do so
Yes of course as long as they do not play dinner jazz as I cannot stand that type of modern music
As they spoke Princess Isobel flew up from the Wall of Death on her motorcycle and went through one of the many palace windows
Are you all right dearest?
Yes King Daddy but I am afraid that my Infante mole has been removed in the crash it is most probably to be found on the lawn
Not to worry I did not really like the Spanish in the first place
At that moment Queen Hennessy found the missing currant in her fruit cake which she was devouring at pace
From that day on she only spoke Spanish with a notable Catalan accent
Authors Note
The final twenty eight pages of this story were removed in homage to the mysterious writer of this cautionary tale
They are currently in the possession of Pierre-Paul Riquet