I once told my geography teacher
That she was emotionally constipated
When she asked me what I meant
I told her that she was full of shit
I was suspended for that remark
A few months after I returned I was sent off
During a rugby match against St Piran’s School
My crime was that I told the referee
To learn the rules of the game
This was the first ever dismissal
Of a Headle Chase rugby player in over sixty years
(do they really keep fucking records I enquired)
This time I was expelled and my father
Sent me to The Douglas School where I excelled
It was whilst I was there that I discovered Art History
And although I had no real artistic talent
I understood the theory perfectly
I went to Cambridge following the subject
And again I excelled and wrote important papers
But my true love was poetry just poetry alone
And that is why you find me still unmarried
Living incestuously with my identical twin
In a small town in Dorset not far from the coast