When I was studying to be an architect

I shared a Fulham flat with two girls

Who were both quite attractive

You might say that I was a lucky fellow

But that was not the case

As I found them quite irritating at times

These are some of the charges

1/ Whenever I was either shaving or cleaning my teeth they would come into the bathroom to take a piss

2/ I do not find girls pissing erotic unlike some other perverts

3/ They would both have an emotional crisis at least once a month

4/ They did not like football even though Fulham FC were just around the corner

5/ Fat friends – they invited their fat female friends to stay at weekends

6/ I do not find fat women attractive especially in states of undress (it can be brutal before a coffee)

7/ Sanitary products – as no matter how hard they tried I found the odd white mouse in the wet room bin

8/ Asking me if I could sleep on the settee when their friends stayed

9/ My only rule was that their friends had to be attractive (No Dogs Allowed)

10/ My bed was my safe space as it was the location of my dreams (this had to be understood)

I am now a successful architect and am happily married with two brats

Yet I sometimes think of those carefree days with a certain nostalgia

My flatmates still live together

In Richmond near the river

They were married last year

Elisabeth and I attended their Richmond wedding

They are planning to move to the Cotswolds quite soon

And I have been asked to help them renovate a barn

Which I have agreed to do

Free of charge

As long as they call their firstborn

Richmond