A few years ago

I lost my job

My wife left me

I was the victim of fraud

And worst of all

My football club was relegated

I decided to end it all

And climbed on to the footbridge

At my local railway station

I would jump under an express train

It was quick and easy with no real fuss

I waited and waited

Until a mugger shouted up to me

There are no trains

A suicide up the line

And would I be as kind

As to throw my wallet down

I did this as I had no need for money

He told me that they were running

A rail replacement bus service

I waited a while and then climbed down

The station forecourt was deserted

I lay in the area reserved for buses

It began to rain but I did not care

I would be able to dry off in heaven

It was then that a little old lady

Tapped me on shoulder with her umbrella

I told her that I would not change my mind

She said that she did not give a fuck

But I was lying in her dog’s fresh diarrhea