I was sharing a bath with Hildegart Rodriguez Carballeira
She was the most intelligent girl in Spain
We will be crossing the equator in three hours
What shall we do?
The usual I will chase you and the other crew members around the boat with shaving foam and we will fight with olive oil
And after?
We will all jump into the sea naked
But what about the brandy?
It is the only alcohol we have left on board
And yes we will offer the sea a share of our brandy
Do you know what I am going to do?
Tell me
I am going to have a shit
Hildegart Rodriguez Carballeira climbed out of the bath and sat on the toilet facing me
Thank you
Have you never seen a girl shitting before?
You can use it after me
I do not need a shit
Hand me those tin cans
Why?
Because I intend to defecate into as many as I can
Whatever for?
So that I may sell them as artists shit
You are not an artist
That does not matter
Make yourself useful and hold them under my arse
I will try to be as careful as possible
I crouched next to Hildegart Rodriguez Carballeira
She shit into twenty-eight tins which I lined up next to each other on the floor
What do you intend to do now?
I will weld the tins shut and label them
Artists Shit
But you are not an artist
I will then sell them priced by current value of gold
Galleries will buy them
My work will end up in museums
In distant years when we are gone researchers will be able to share in the pleasure of my fish supper
But you are not an artist
Hildegart Rodriguez Carballeira was cleaning her arse in the bath
You are wasting your shit see there are particles floating on the surface of the bath water
Can you see the equator?
No
That is because it is abstract
I agree it is an imaginary line equidistant between the poles dividing the earth into the hemispheres
I may not be an artist in your eyes but if I leave this room and sculpt or paint then I am an artist
I shit like an artist
You shit like anyone else
May I watch you shit?
I shit this morning
The equator does not exist
I know
Then why do we celebrate its crossing?
I tell you what I am going to film our crossing of the equator and place the discs into tin cans
Future generations will witness our celebrations
I will call these cans
Celebrations of an Abstract
They will be free with the cans of my shit
But what of the particles of shit in the bath
They will wash into the sea
The fish will consume my shit
We will catch the fish and consume my shit
I will be a small part of each of you
That is rather beautiful do you not think
I suppose I am an artist if you really think about it
May I borrow your welding kit?