The Girl from Boston

What are reading dear boy?

The Girl from Boston a rather trashy novel dating from the late sixties

Are you enjoying it?

It is very much of its time

It is like watching a B movie

One does not expect too much

Please read me a sentence from your book Stuart

I pulled back the damp sheet

Barney’s jigger was still erect

Oh dear

The English language has been placed on the sacrificial altar I fear

I agree Master Shakespeare must be weeping in his grave

But he has forgiven me

 

Katherine’s Daily Swim

I always fear for the neighbours when Katherine comes to stay

It is her morning swim

Are you worried that she might attend difficulties in the rough channel waters and be washed up quite drowned on a beach in France?

No she is an admirable swimmer

Then why do you worry Noel?

It is because that when she takes her morning swim the poor girl nearly always leaves her swimming costume in her bedroom

She has a lovely bottom but I do not think that all my neighbours share my opinion 

 

The Sea

The appeal of this property to me is it’s closeness to the sea  

I agree one could not be closer to the sea

Often when I am resting in my bed I think that I see the creatures of the sea staring into my bedroom

What do your guests think of it?

They treat it as a trifle and humour me

And you?

I enjoy their company

But living here does have its disadvantages

Are you thinking about the storms that attack this bay?

Do you fear for your life when these storms appear?

No I like nothing better than a wild storm

If I know that one is imminent I often sit in the lounge with a good book and listen to the wave’s crash against the sturdy sea defences outside

Do they progress further?

Sometimes dear boy the waves clear the actual height of this property and damage the windows of the Modernist properties further down the beach

Does this not alarm you?

I have every confidence in the workmanship of the Dover glaziers

Not one of my many panes has ever been cracked

They have stood firm in the face of the wildest storms

 

The Cliff   

I have noticed that you have erected small plastic covers to protect the exposed yard to the rear of your property Noel

Yes I was forced to do so as my guests and I were often attacked by small stones falling from the cliff face

Do you not think that they are slightly inefficient given the size of the cliff?

I have often thought about that but should the cliff fall on to me or my unfortunate guests then it is likely that we know very little about the catastrophe

 

The Day the Sea caught Fire

It was a good idea in theory you know

To set the sea alight

It would deter the most vociferous of enemies

It would have halted their advance

At least for a while

Until the brave men of Kent could regroup and defend this beautiful bay

But do you know I really disliked about the idea

What was that?

The smell dear boy the smell of the enterprise was more than I could bear

Did it inhibit your outdoor pursuits?

Very much it seemed for weeks after the initial test that the smell of unidentified chemicals hung in the air

I did not eat in my courtyard for the rest of that summer

Although my visitors did not seem to mind