Pretty was sitting on the grass at Donnington Castle
Her friend Sabrina had accompanied her on the visit
The previous day paparazzi photographs of Kate Middleton had appeared in the magazine which Pretty was reading quietly
Sabrina looked up
Do you think that the photographs were an invasion of the privacy of the couple?
No
They just wanted to take a holiday and they were disturbed by a photographer
So the whole world knows what her breasts look like big deal
Wouldn’t it piss you off if you were in her shoes?
Or out of them
No there are far more important things to worry about than a member of the Royal Family showing her tits off in a European magazine
Such as
Pretty looked down the slope that led towards Donnigton village
The Second Battle of Newbury
Come again
The Second Battle of Newbury
Not far from where we are sitting large numbers of men lost their lives
Even here at the castle people lost their lives
That was hundreds of years ago
It does not seem possible does it?
Where was the battle?
Below the castle just over there
Were there not two battles?
Yes there were
One fought at Wash Common a few miles in that direction
Both were bloody
Tell me about them as I know little
You look on me as a Medusa don’t you?
No what makes you say that?
Because I know what so disturbed the Parliamentarians
You are speaking in riddles Pretty
Then I will begin
Will you begin with the second battle
Why?
Because it happened over there or so you said
Yes it was fought nearby
On the 26th of October 1644
Although the King had lost at Marston Moor Parliament was still afraid that the monarch given extra strength could threaten London
But Charles was not interested in London he was more interested in maintaining the security of Oxford his own capital
After relieving Banbury he turned his attention to this very castle
He arrived in Newbury ahead of the Parliamentarians and chose his defensive positions well
There were cannons positioned at the castle to protect one of the flanks
A man dressed in battle fatigues interrupted Pretty’s flow
When will the battle commence
You are a bit late for the battle
Oh dear I thought I might be
It happens to us all
Are you Kate Middleton?
No my name is Jane but everybody calls me Pretty
That is because she is Pretty you know
Why did you think she was Kate Middleton?
Because of the magazine that she was reading
I look nothing like Kate Middleton
I agree but it was an easy mistake to make
A man dressed in battle fatigues walked away choosing the small path that led to the car park
Why do you think that people mistake you for Kate Middleton?
I do not know
I have nothing in common with Kate Middleton
Apart from your choices when sunbathing
Apart from my choices when sunbathing
You have found one similarity Sabrina well done
But I do not have the paparazzi hounding me
If you were famous they would
I am not famous and my tits will not end up in a European magazine
Pretty stood up suddenly
Do you realise that shit has stolen my magazine
I did not see it go
How sad I would have given it to him if he had asked
He is probably whacking off in the bushes as we speak
If I was a man and thank God I am not I do not think I would be whacking off over Kate Middleton in the bushes or anywhere else
You were telling me about the battle
Oh yes the battle
Well it all got rather complicated as battles do and Cromwell was forced to attack
The Royalist defenders should have had the upper hand and should have been able to repel attacks but for some reason they retreated to open ground and were cut down without mercy
The Royalists also lost some cannons which were turned on them
There were victories and losses for the Royalists and really the battle ended in a stalemate
With heavy casualties on both sides
What about the castle?
After Charles returned to Oxford the Parliamentarians lay siege to the castle but it was not surrendered until April 1646 and then under favourable circumstances
Pretty looked at her friend who was stretched out on the grass
Interesting huh?
Yes very interesting
You look on me as a Medusa don’t you?
No what makes you say that?
Because I know what so disturbed the Parliamentarians
You are speaking in riddles Pretty
Pretty lay next to Sabrina and both stared at the deep blue sky
Do you know that the Parliamentarians should have won the second battle here in Newbury?
Why was it stalemate then?
Because although the Parliamentarians had something like a two to one advantage the leaders were bickering amongst themselves
That was their fault line
Why were they bickering amongst themselves?
Because they had listened to Medusa
You are speaking in riddles Pretty
38 35 D6 QUB
Sorry
That was the sequence that the Parliamentarians should have ignored but in strange way by making this mistake they won the decisive victory and it cost the King his life
The man dressed in battle fatigues approached Pretty and Sabrina
They both stood up slightly alarmed
There is no need to be scared of me as I am just a humble creature
You stole my magazine
I am finished with it now
Thank you
You could have just asked me for it
You might have thought I was a bit strange
As if I do not now
I would not like to think what you did with it
I was very careful
Why did you just not go to the local shop and buy a custard mag there?
Because I have very specialised fantasies
What
I can only achieve orgasm if I look at revealing pictures of the Royal Family
Any Royal Family?
Yes I am not too choosy
For many years I existed on a diet of Princess Caroline of Monaco and her sister Stephanie
Did you need a change?
No I was quite happy with them
So why steal my magazine?
Because my photographs were stolen when my flat was burgled
What about Diana?
Oh the Holy Grail
Topless photos of her exist but they have never been published
It has caused me a great deal of pain
Sabrina bent forward and retrieved a small book from her bag
Here there are plenty of revealing paintings of royal mistresses in this book
But they were not of the right blood
Here is a photo of Fergie taken in 1992
She does not do it for me
Even my pain has limits you know
Do you always hang around the castle hoping to find a magazine showing royals in undress?
This is my first visit
You scared the shit out of me
I did not mean to
Is this your first visit?
No we come here often
I was telling my friend about the second battle that was fought near here
I am an expert on the first battle
I know a great deal about that battle but there are gaps I need to fill
Perhaps I can be of assistance
Maybe but another time
Do your realise that the Parliamentarians should have won the second battle
Yes I realise that
Because although the Parliamentarians had something like a two to one advantage the leaders were bickering amongst themselves
That was their fault line
Why were they bickering amongst themselves?
Because they had listened to Medusa
38 35 D6 QUB
That was the sequence that the Parliamentarians should have ignored but in strange way by making this mistake they won the decisive victory and it cost the King his life
I agree
Well I must be off now and I am sincerely sorry for stealing your magazine
You can have it
Really
Yes it means more to you than it does me
I have Sabrina but you have nothing
You have made me very happy
I am Medusa and if by any chance I marry a royal prince
I will make sure that I am papped and I will send the original proofs to you
You are a good person
So are you it is not often that experts on the two Battles of Newbury meet and exchange information
The man dressed in battle fatigues left and did not return
Later as they ate supper in their small cottage Sabrina turned to Pretty
She had a puzzled look on her face
Do you know that chap who we spoke to earlier
What about him?
Why were you so kind to him?
So were you
I was just following your lead
But why were you so kind to him?
He just seemed to be some kind of oddball to me who got off wearing battle fatigues and looking at photos of topless royals
You do not see it do you?
You are speaking in riddles again Pretty
It was clear he was a government spy and if Charles is going to return to the throne then we will need to keep him very close
Believe me it will work to our advantage Sabrina