I often think that if I was a girl

That I would be a lesbian

Or at least bat for both sides

As men on the whole are pigs

And are only really interested in themselves

No matter how nice they are at the beginning

Women are different as they are gentle and comforting

And function on many plains seen and unseen

They care and are by their nature very considerate

I have prayed to God but he has not answered me

Yet he has changed me into a tortoise

A pretty tortoise but a tortoise nonetheless

My wife has left me as sex was painful messy and quite complicated

And I am now alone in the garden of the house that I once owned

I asked a street artist to paint my shell bright in rainbow colours

So that I could participate in the pride marches however slowly

But he fucked that up and I now look like infants slow painting

There are no homosexual tortoises which suprises me a little

It is all about the texture of our shells you see and the geography

I often wish that God would change me into a beautiful girl

But he ignores me as I think that he is disgusted at my thoughts

But one day I hope that he will forgive me and call me Phillipa

If that happens I will cruise the dyke clubs and call myself Pippa

But for now I must satisfy myself with the garden shed

Which at least is comfortable and warm during the harsher months

And the elderly couple next door still feed me although the food is bland

I hate the fucking lettuce leaves and would sell myself for a Sunday Roast

But then again life is a shit and then you die or at least this is what I am told

Yet all is not lost as I have a friend called Zoko Therapy who has promised to help me transition

It will take many years but I am very hopeful about my future sapphic life in Milton Keynes