I was born as they say with a silver spoon in mouth but my parents were remote and I was packed off to school in my early years

The schools I attended were on the whole quite fine and although I was exposed to wicked pursuits I never weakened and certainly did not participate in what I considered a rather shameful and weak minded recreation

From an early age I knew that I liked women and have had three serious relationships

The first obviously is with my wife Marion which although loving seems much cooler now as we are unconsciously dividing and heading towards the silent crossroads ahead

I know that we will be together until our final days but by then our roads will be quite distant

This saddens me but I keep this sorrow locked in an empty suitcase which has seen better days

My second love only lasted a summer in the years before I met Marion

Effie was the most liberated woman I had ever met and although we never actually made love we spent many erotic afternoons together

Sometimes whilst travelling or during the lazy summer days at Bladesover

I wanted Effie to be mine but I knew that I would never possess her as one can never successfully catch mayflies without extinguishing their lives

Effie became a missionary in her later years which surprised me greatly but I suppose she wanted order in her chaotic life

Beatrice Normandy was the daughter of a neighbouring landowner who I knew from my earliest years

We grew up with each other and I supposed that we would in turn marry when our age allowed but on each occasion that I grew close to her she would cast me aside and disappear from my life

She would later return and would continue from where we had left off until she vanished again

I considered Beatrice a belle dame sans merci and she was aware of this fact and tortured me greatly with her soft seductions for her singular satisfaction and nothing else

When I married Marion I deliberately broke off contact with Beatrice and we have not spoken to each other since then

I have often wondered why she had not contacted me but as of yet have to find an answer that satisfies me

My father died a number of years ago and my mother last year and as I was the only child I inherited everything and although I am nothing like my father I have continued his business successfully

In these years of change I have ensured that all those around me have been treated fairly and with compassion

This had made me very popular but in the depths of my soul I feel a fraud

I have a painting of St Francis in my study and often look into his eyes for guidance but I am never directed

It is as if God does not exist

Bladesover is high on the Kentish Downs and offers a clue to all England

It was built in 1688 and has changed little since then as there have been no revolutions or abandonments of thought of the fine gentry since those early days

The gentry of the past years may have faded being replaced by businessmen such as myself but houses such as Bladesover have on the whole retained their shape

If the ghosts of my family were to return they would without caution be able to recognise my house

They would congratulate me but would be not be wise to the fact that for the last ten years that I have been a cocaine user

It is a habit that although hidden even from Marion will finally destroy me and because of this Bladesover will fade as we are by Gods choice childless

I have often wondered what impressed me to take this self-destructive journey and believe deep down that it was due to the ghosts of my emotional life

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth but of late this has become quite tarnished and will in the coming years inhibit my reflection

Until the day comes when you cannot see me at all