Alice
I was due to attend a football match but there had been heavy rain so I decided to cycle to the ground to see if the game was on so you can imagine my surprise when I was met at the gate by identical triplets who were all wearing identical blue polka dot bikinis
Phillip
When I reached the pitch it was totally shattered with huge expanses of water filling what appeared to be large shell holes
Phillip
Yet the war had been over for seventy-five years
Alice
To my surprise I was told that the game was on and I was handed a white polka-dot bikini
Alice
I changed in front of the identical triplets who took a great interest in my appendix scar and my rainbow coloured pubic hair
Alice
The triplets asked to join them at the gate as they had never met anybody who had experienced a burst appendix and as a result suffered from multi coloured body hair
Phillip
There are many small boats on the football pitch as well as six London buses in both penalty areas
Phillip
These boats and floats were covered by people celebrating The Festival of the Sea
Phillip
But this football ground is inland and was 123 miles from the sea
Phillip
A gentleman from Alice Springs then came up to me and said that there would be a pitch inspection at 15.00 hours
Alice
I took my leave from the identical triplets and walked towards the main stand which was sponsored by a software company based in the Philippines
Alice
It was then that I noticed the stunning sea views which stretched towards the golden peninsular in the distance
Alice
I felt angry as I had been lied to all my life by my elders
Alice
The appendix operation had been a sham and the distinct colouring of my body hair could have been avoided
Alice
I no longer considered myself a freak whose solitary pleasure was football
Alice
The triplets had liberated me and I was now a golden girl who had been born by the sea
Phillip
I was sitting at the top of a large set of steps that lead down a rocky shore
Phillip
I counted the steps there were 496 steps I had not encountered so many steps before
Phillip
The club house was behind me and was painted in the teams colours of blue and white
Alice
I found a tattoo on my shoulder that informed me that the Western Chin Dynasty had existed between 265 and 316
Alice
I felt annoyed as I have no interest in history
Phillip
I returned to the club house as I wanted to purchase a programme for the match as well as one for the previous game which I had missed due to appendicitis
Alice
Appendicitis is more common in men I felt angry that I had been lied to
Phillip
As I sat in the club house reading my programme I noticed a beautiful woman in a white bikini passing by
Phillip
She was heading towards the steep steps
Phillip
I rushed after her as I had already counted the steps
Alice
I have never suffered from appendicitis
Phillip
The woman immediately asked me to marry her as her appendix was clear and her body hair had returned to its normal colour