I should not be telling you this but I know the whereabout of Steffo and Val
The cops if they knew this would probably haul me in for questioning and tea
So when you read this poem do not let me down as cops are best seen and not heard
But let me return to Steffo and Val both of whom I met at school
They were quite ordinary lads who liked football girls and the city of Norwich
Nothing strange there as many people like the city of Norwich
As you might guess Steffo and Val were abbreviations
Steffo was short for Stephan and Val short for Valentine
Val was often attacked by gangs hunting queers and suffered many injuries
Because of his silly name although he was as straight as I used to be
Steffo who was the taller of the two just hated people calling him Stephen
So he shortened his name to sound like a Norwegian pop star
But I stray as at the age of eighteen they both decided to become vigilantes
There were two many bad guys out there so they decided to clean things up
I suggested that they did a Charles Bronson act in duality
In short they would flash the cash and let the bad guys follow them
And then as Charlie did in Death Wish they would ventilate their attackers
Then went on for about three years and left the cops confused
And believe it or not London began to feel safer and women walked alone
Steffo fondly remembers castrating a pervert in Regent Park and sending the dick to his mum
Not to be outdone Val killed a corrupt bisexual businessman with a silver handled pistol belonging to the victim
Both dreamed as being the serial killers of serial killers and quite quickly this became reality
London became even safer than Norwich and as there was fuck all else to do the cops began gardening
But then Steffo and Val spoilt it all by assassinating a much loved (socialist) politician
In a matter of a few days they became the most sought after killers in London (I know not why),
My friends then sought my help as I was the Mayor of London and Norwich
They told me they were planning to kill three trade union leaders a month and a left wing firebrand every quarter
It was a delicate position as left wing firebrands usually smoke themselves to death before retirement
That is where my poem ends
I think I have said too much already
Poetry deserves much more than this feeble offering
Till next time I bid you farewell
Tim Tim Tim