Just before this path splits into two
One part becoming an unmade road
And the other a pedestrian/cycle pathway
You will find what was once a care home
I do not know what was cared for
Spiders/Donkeys/Sweet Wrappers/Olive Oil
Really it does not interest me
The house is being renovated
So that very rich white people
Can wake up to stunning sea views
And cups of luxury coffee and mint
Again I am not interested in who owns
Or who sells and who likes the garden
That is considerably overgrown but a haven
For butterflies and small plastic bags
Brought in by the winter winds
However that is not what this poem is about
As about twenty-eight yards away
Near some memorial benches
Is something that if known
Would alter human human history
It is where Heaven is situated
As God and Jesus like the sea views
And the fresh sea air
They created the artist Turner
To educate them about the light
Which white wonderful wonderful white
And also before I forget
It is also the Centre of the Universe
28 Things about me
I collect dog collars
But dispose of the dogs
As they are disgusting creatures
When I wear rubber gloves
I suffer from rashes on my heels
The name Nina is pronounced Anin
I do not know anybody called Nina
And I refuse to rhyme it with Pretty Ballerina
I cannot sing and have a habit of mumbling
Like the actor Marlon Brando
I wept for six days when he died in 2004
And spent the next 22 days settling scores
With people who I considered had slighted me
I confess that it took me 24 days to complete this task
As like a cunt I lost track of the days required
And wasted wet wasted wet walking time
My favourite movie by far is Last Tango in Paris
And I have visited all its filming locations in Paris
But have yet to meet either Paul or Jeanne
I spent last week in Jeanne’s tub
Hoping that she would share a bath with me
But she did not keep our appointment
Although I grew fond of the black cat
That seemed to live in the derelict apartment
It did tell me its name
But I was not listening
Paris often affects my hearing
I find French women very feminine and beautiful
Even older French women maintain a certain elegance
When travelling on the Metro
I often feel like I am in the pages of Vogue
Whereas when I am in London
Travelling on the underground
I liken it to being in the pages of Farmers Weekly
That is not to say that there are no beautiful women in England
It is just that they do not use the London Underground
I have never been to Texas but own a Confederate flag
I used to hang it from my bedroom wall
Before it fell down and smothered
My tortoise King when I was on holiday in Ibiza
I promised myself that I would never visit Ibiza again
And I was very fond of my tortoise and his sanitary habits
This poem has been concluded
It has not been edited
By Order