Phillip and Angela Feed the Pigeons
The mother and daughter were chatting on the coach
They did not draw breath
I know it was so tedious
At least they got on together
That is good
I went through a traumatic time Stella
Why was their conversation that boring
It was the one on the subject of eyebrows
Eyebrows
Well if you think that was bad the daughter revealed a secret that I did not want to hear
What was that our Alfie
It was that she did not shave her armpits
I do not shave my armpits
I know but you are a beautiful northern lass
A bit brassy but in some lights you rub up well
Then why did it disturb your our Alfie
Because she was so fucking ugly Julie
Did you not see her face
She was fatter than her mother and she were fat
I only saw them from behind as they got off the coach
That is a cruel thing to say Len but I suppose it is true
My point is that only beautiful women should have hairy armpits
It both contradicts and enhances they beauty
A bit like grunge
If I knew what grunge was I think I would agree
Freddie Truman
I were in Skipton recently
Was it nice
It were grand
Did you see the statue of our Freddie
Nope
I asked the barmaid on the barge
Lucy
Yes
What did she say
She had never heard of Fred Truman
The most famous cricketer to hail from these parts
That was what she said
Did you see the statue
Yes it were on the other side of canal
Who told you that
Pete
The skipper of the barge
The one whose son ended up in Clitheroe
Yes that’s him
When I saw hum he were crying
Lucy
Lucy
He said that when you think that she cant go any lower
She does
She is by far the dimmest girl in these parts
God
I found God on Windermere this morning
That was noce for you Albert
Where were eee
Propping up the bar I suppose
Yur will go to ell our Annie
Well how did you find him
On deck
The upper deck
In one
What was he doing
He was not actually there
Then where were he
This might be a bit hard fr you to understand our Lucy
You know I went to college in Halifax
Well I learnt a few things there
You were doing lecctrics and ayei
I know but I learned other fings
Such as do not get all posh on me our Stevie
I learned about God
I saw you about town with the vicars daughter right jealous I was
No it was deeper than that
I learned about metafisics
Meta whot
About the meaning of fings
So how did you found God
Well you know how beautiful it is out on the lake
I do I almost cry
That is because our Roger trys to chuck thee in
No I cry because of the beauty the lingering clouds over the distant hills
Fuckin ell Sofe where did you lean to speek like that
At private skool before Dad topped imself
Well I was marvellin over all the beauty and the subtle dissapation of thee light
When a woman from a coach party sat directly in front of me
So
Well she were not that beautiful a bit pear shaped if i tell the truth
So hoe did you find God
I saw her bum crack as her belt was loose
You normally like bums
I know
You like mee bum a lot
I know
You say it is the most beautiful bum in these parts apart from Rachel Moody
You have a beautiful bum Rach but this ladies bum was not lovely
It were all white and you could see the veins and the swet rash and you must realise that I only saw a fraction of it
So where do God come into it
Well you know that I was going on about beauty the lake and the hills and all that
Yes
Well I fought that because that womans bum was so ugly and the lake so beautiful that somebody must have a sense of humour
A higher being
Exactly
And that is how I found God