Phillip and Angela Feed the Pigeons

The mother and daughter were chatting on the coach

They did not draw breath

I know it was so tedious

At least they got on together

That is good

I went through a traumatic time Stella

Why was their conversation that boring

It was the one on the subject of eyebrows

Eyebrows

Well if you think that was bad the daughter revealed a secret that I did not want to hear

What was that our Alfie

It was that she did not shave her armpits

I do not shave my armpits

I know but you are a beautiful northern lass

A bit brassy but in some lights you rub up well

Then why did it disturb your our Alfie

Because she was so fucking ugly Julie

Did you not see her face

She was fatter than her mother and she were fat

I only saw them from behind as they got off the coach

That is a cruel thing to say Len but I suppose it is true

My point is that only beautiful women should have hairy armpits

It both contradicts and enhances they beauty

A bit like grunge

If I knew what grunge was I think I would agree

 

Freddie Truman 

I were in Skipton recently

Was it nice

It were grand

Did you see the statue of our Freddie

Nope

I asked the barmaid on the barge

Lucy

Yes

What did she say

She had never heard of Fred Truman

The most famous cricketer to hail from these parts

That was what she said

Did you see the statue

Yes it were on the other side of canal

Who told you that

Pete

The skipper of the barge

The one whose son ended up in Clitheroe

Yes that’s him

When I saw hum he were crying

Lucy

Lucy

He said that when you think that she cant go any lower

She does

She is by far the dimmest girl in these parts

 

God

I found God on Windermere this morning

That was noce for you Albert

Where were eee

Propping up the bar I suppose

Yur will go to ell our Annie

Well how did you find him

On deck

The upper deck

In one

What was he doing

He was not actually there

Then where were he

This might be a bit hard fr you to understand our Lucy

You know I went to college in Halifax

Well I learnt a few things there

You were doing lecctrics and ayei

I know but I learned other fings

Such as do not get all posh on me our Stevie

I learned about God

I saw you about town with the vicars daughter right jealous I was

No it was deeper than that

I learned about metafisics

Meta whot

About the meaning of fings

So how did you found God

Well you know how beautiful it is out on the lake

I do I almost cry

That is because our Roger trys to chuck thee in

No I cry because of the beauty the lingering clouds over the distant hills

Fuckin ell Sofe where did you lean to speek like that

At private skool before Dad topped imself

Well I was marvellin over all the beauty and the subtle dissapation of thee light

When a woman from a coach party sat directly in front of me

So

Well she were not that beautiful a bit pear shaped if i tell the truth

So hoe did you find God

I saw her bum crack as her belt was loose

You normally like bums

I know

You like mee bum a lot

I know

You say it is the most beautiful bum in these parts apart from Rachel Moody

You have a beautiful bum Rach but this ladies bum was not lovely

It were all white and you could see the veins and the swet rash and you must realise that I only saw a fraction of it

So where do God come into it

Well you know that I was going on about beauty the lake and the hills and all that

Yes

Well I fought that because that womans bum was so ugly and the lake so beautiful that somebody must have a sense of humour

A higher being

Exactly

And that is how I found God