Dearest Bessie

I dreamt last night of your refreshment room before you burnt it down. It is run by a Madame Carvalho now and is open threehundredandsixtyfour days a year twentyfour hours a day (except Fridays).When the leap year occurred last year she was so pleased that she divorced her husband and served limestone cakes without charge on her pink pearl plates all day. Anthony Koster returned for seconds so many times that he was reported to have exploded on the 617 just south of Malmsbury.

All is well here at Downs Halt. Mr Perkin’s and his mauve children are playing as usual with the talking weighing machine which sadly is now dumb after its partner on platform five left to seek its fortune on another line. I am sad for it but know that one day another machine will arrive and its life will be whole again. Little Peter Perfect is drawing a tanned octopus on the poster for Happy Catteries behind me. I think he has talent and may go far but he must branch away from cephalopods. I have suggested that he draw Argonauts but he does not listen and only asks for more pencils.

A lorry carrying ping-pong balls has passed over the bridge which is pregnant again and as usual it has spilt part of its load. The Doncaster’s are again spotted white which is driving Mr Mold to despair. He does spend a lot of money on his cures. Mr Watson is sitting next to me reading an interlude of saints as he always does when he awaits the church train. He is such a good man.

I am on my way to Stonehenge Station where I am booked in for a shave. I am going to travel in the opposite direction so I can grow a beard as I like getting value for money. Mother is well and visits her grave on a daily basis and lays flowers. I leave her in peace as she does love to count the insects on the knapstone of St Juliana’s. Yesterday she counted fivehundredandtwentynine in the first five minutes of the day. Sadly Mr Hooper’s mausoleum is empty again. Police from five counties are on the lookout for him. But any local knows he always returns after he has spoken to Dean Herbert.

I am taking Sappho on the journey with me today. He was very excited this morning and would not eat at all discussing soil with the postman long before I showered. The railways have an odd attitude to Chinese Miniature Dogs, I had to buy him a return ticket whereas Chihuahua’s are only charged the single fare. I am thinking of writing to Mr Godman our MP about the situation although he has been breeding for the past five months. I am sure he and his children will be interested.

I must close now as my train is not coming. I hope you are happy in Kew and that the natives are treating you well. I cannot say I was impressed on my last visit as the sole interest of the population seemed to be centred on the economic properties of grafting. As you know I am as interested in this subject as you are but sixtynine seconds in Mr Thompson’s company was a bit wearing although I was pleased when he let me decorate his nursery.

We must meet up soon and repair my garden gate. All regards to Alpine, Rose and Tender.

Your Friend

V