as recorded by his younger brother

 

He was born in West Ham and lived in a high rise near the football ground

His family originally came from Norfolk but moved to London in the nineteenth century for economic reasons as his father was a skilled fisherman

Gregory Si was of average height and celebrated a dark complexion although his eyes were blue

He lived near the football ground and supported West Ham

He published his first poem Time Without Beauty when he was twelve

It won first prize at the Poplar Pie Festival that year

The prize was a drain cover which he kept in his bedroom

It was cast by Dickinson & Son in 1888

Aged thirteen he changed into a drain cover for six months as he thought his prize to be lonely

On his return he wrote another thirty-five poems

None of these have survived

His prize has survived and can be found in Canning Town near the site of the bus station

He was the youngest child of four

His sisters were called Babs, Lucy and Maureen

The whole family spoke with a slight Norfolk accent

As a young boy, Gregory decided never to visit Dagenham which was a problem as his first job was as an apprentice to a watchmaker in Dagenham

In view of this he decided never to visit Southend

Which again was a problem as his family holidayed there once a year

At the age of fifteen he decided to visit all the major towns in Essex, but to never to visit Berwick on Tweed which was a pity as he loved railway bridges

He often drew railway bridges and with his first wage purchased one just north of Romford

At the age of sixteen he turned into a milk crate, but nobody really noticed except the local dogs a fact he came to regret

He often made wax candles for the local church which was called Our Lady of Fatima

At the age of seventeen he caught fire and received burns to the face and arms and changed into a church candle for a period of two months

He was locked in a cupboard to avoid further accidents

On his return he stood as a candidate for the Green Party during the General Election. He polled one vote and was elected to Parliament

He held the seat for ten days before tendering his resignation due to the onset of achromatopsia

At the age of twenty-one he changed into his sister Maureen and married her childhood sweetheart Robert and had three children Lloyd,Lloyd and Lloyd

During these years he wrote an unpublished bestseller called

Newtown Savage

Newtown Savage was travelling back to America from Portugal where he had concluded a very successful business venture.

Not many things scared Newtown Savage but flying did. Whenever he travelled to Europe he always travelled by ship.

He had become fond of travelling by ship.

Newton Savage at the age of thirty was a very wealthy man. He considered he had the Midas touch. All that he touched turned to gold.

But he was not happy and these sea voyages confirmed his unhappiness. He paced the decks like a madman looking for a sign. He did not know what this sign would be. He believed in his own Gods but they left him alone.

About half way through the voyage Newton Savage was seated on one of the upper decks near the lifeboats reading a Mid-Atlantic newspaper. He had finished his coffee and was about to eat his last piece of toast when a seagull swooped down and snatched it from his grasp cutting the web of his hand with its beak

The seagull as it flew away but became confused by the geography of the deck and collided with the bow of the nearby lifeboat. It fell stunned to the deck.

Without consideration Newton Savage removed his shoe and beat the seabird to death throwing the bloodied corpse into the ocean.

The novel itself ran to nearly one million words but he destroyed all but the opening paragraphs as he disagreed with Ayn Rand

Tiring of fame he turned into the left kneecap of the West Ham centre forward Thomas Paine and enjoyed two fine seasons for West Ham and England before being shattered into pieces by a late tackle from a Sunderland defender

It was after this that his mental problems began. He married the injured player’s clavicle in a quiet ceremony at Shoreditch Town Hall

The marriage lasted less than a year and he returned divorced and penniless to his brothers flat where he rested as a third floor walkway for nearly two years

It was during this time that he made the association of a small yellow flower which was growing in a damp patch on the far stairwell

Their conversations on a variety of philosophical subjects were the talk of the neighborhood and they often lectured together on religious subjects

The partnership came to an abrupt end when the yellow flower was picked by a child returning from the West Ham verses Cagliari Champions League match as a present for his mother and to celebrate a 2-0 win

Because of this Gregory Si returned to his roots and served as a waiter at a nearby bistro called Salamanders Three

It was during this time that he decided to trace his family tree and booked a hotel in Thetford in Norfolk

As he awaited his train a shabby drug user who called herself Grace of the Gutter gave him his first sexual experience

She expected ten pounds but instead he turned into a hypodermic needle full of heroin which she injected in the privacy of her flat on the Pentonville Road

Five days later she was found dead in a soiled vest on the floor of her bathroom

She expected ten pounds but instead he turned into a hypodermic needle full of heroin which she injected in the privacy of their room in a Thetford hotel

Five days later she died and Gregory buried her in a clearing near the main road through the town

Although the romance was short it had a profound effect on Gregory’s life and he changed into two bottles of biological hand cleanser seeing service at both Thetford and Kings Cross railway stations

He was getting increasingly scared of his changes and decided to run a fruit stall selling only oranges which he did without a break for the next forty years

He did not marry for fear of passing his strange life on

At the age of seventy-one he set his fruit stall on fire and travelled to Romford to pray for forgiveness at a church which was not called Our Lady of Fatima

It was while he was praying that he felt increasingly dizzy and thinking he was about to die retired to the confessional

Within minutes he felt himself floating above the pews near the altar to the excitement and amazement of the worshippers that day

Soon there were thousands staring at him and saying prayers. Some were crying and bringing the sick for him to touch

Romford soon became the Lourdes of England and the town grew much in size.

Gregory was not always in view as he wanted to sustain this latest change

He hid in the confessional and watched the pilgrims wait for him

The miracles came easily and he displayed a great pleasure in exercising them

On his free days he lived quietly in his house in Harold Wood where he took advice from God on how to do his best

Gregory Si died at the age of ninety-nine in a road traffic accident near the Church of the Divine

On that day West Ham United beat Real Madrid 3-0  in the Champions League Final at Wembley

So pleased was God that he granted Gregory Si further life

To be reborn in West Ham within sight of the football ground

To have three sisters

And parents who originated from Norfolk fishing stock