Chopin

ChiChiChi and I were sitting at a piano

We were both playing Chopin quite violently

I was playing a Nocturne and she a Funeral March

We each had our own appreciative audience

As we touched the cold keys I realised that it was my turn to be the albino so I retired to the gloriette and howled for an hour

That was the last time I saw her for eight years although we wrote to each other frequently

 

Prison Diary

Today was very much like yesterday, I spent most of my day with Jonny in our cell playing cards.

I won his paparazzi photographs of Jackie O which I displayed proudly in the prison chapel so that inmates could masturbate quietly during Mass

Jonny is obsessed with Jackie O and our cell is covered in photographs of her. My favourite is the Dallas series of photographs with JFK

He uses all his other photographs as chips whilst gambling but the assassination photographs are sacred. He once glassed another inmate who tried to steal them

When he is not talking about Jackie O, he sleeps

Jonny has threatened to kill himself on many occasions but I dissuade him by saying that he should kill someone else

For the present he agrees

He keeps a rifle under his bed

I keep only letters from you under my bed. I number them in reverse

Your photograph is on the wall next to my bed

I admire your pubic hair

When I will write to you I will use no words

Words are redundant

I will only send the most beautiful blue paper in the world to you

You deserve the best

 

The Most Beautiful Blue Paper in the World

I received your letter this morning and immediately retired to the orangerie to read it

But all I found was the most beautiful blue paper in the world which I placed on my cunt until it was damp

I will return my smell to you; keep it close to your heart

Why do you not reward me with your words

I would like to share your confinement

 

Dreaming of your Odours  

On the whole life is tolerable here

I sleep well as your odours linger in the air when I close my eyes

I never dream of you

Only of your odours

 

Jonny meets Laura

I have made friends with the Prison Chaplain and he has handed me the keys to the library which I visit after hours

There is not much of a selection, just the usual detective stories and romantic fiction plus of course a few bibles

Which are never read in company

On the shelf nearest the door I found a thick maroon book on Romanticism which is an odd find in a prison

I have read it every day for the past six years and still am only halfway through

About four months ago I met Laura and invited her back to the cell

Each night she would sit on the chair between Jonny and myself and we would discuss poetry until the dawn broke

Only then would she steal back to the library

I feel that Jonny has a passion for her as above his bed next to the pictures of Jackie O is Schiller’s poem

 

Poem

From earth I seem to wing my flight,

And sun myself in Heaven’s pure light,

When thy sweet gaze meets mine

I dream I quaff ethereal dew,

When mine own form I mirror’d view

In those blue eyes divine!

 

Blest notes from Paradise afar,

Or strains from some benignant star

Enchant my ravish’d ear;

My Muse feels then the shepherd’s hour

When silv’ry tones of magic power

Escape those lips so dear!

 

Young Loves around thee fan their wings —

Behind, the madden’d fir-tree springs,

As when by Orpheus fir’d;

The poles whirl round with swifter motion,

When in the dance, like waves o’er Ocean,

Thy footsteps float untir’d!

 

Thy look, if it but beam with love,

Could make the lifeless marble move,

And hearts in rocks enshrine;

My visions to reality

Will turn, if, Laura, in thine eye

I read — that thou art mine!

 

Laura

Laura supplies me with drugs which I give to Jonny in small doses

Just to keep him calm and balanced

This seems to work as Jonny spends the day in an almost dreamlike state and at weekends donates his assassination photographs to the chapel

Laura does not leave the cell now and spends her nights with Jonny

They are lovers

 

Mildew

Word has reached me that you will be released in forty-eight days. I will not meet you but will hand a copy of my latest newspaper article to a vagrant to give to you

It is about a subject that favours your heart

Think of me when you read it and write of the fungus

On the most beautiful blue paper in the world

I will keep your letter warm until you return

 

Serial Killers

Jonny has given up drugs and Jackie O, his photographs of her both clothed and nude are spread about the prison

I hear that even the governor has one framed in his office

Each morning I wake them with a cup of tea and discuss what we will do when we are released

Jonny has nineteen more years to serve

I will be released soon

One day I will discover what my crime was and why I have served so many years

That will be a day full of interest

Jonny was imprisoned for the murder of a number of albino serial killers

An unusual crime

After the murder of the first albino serial killer he decided to murder all other albino serial killers

An admirable occupation

He does not know my secret as I am Hispanic in appearance

Only you and I know that I can change colour at will

 

Escape

Jonny escaped this morning after killing three prison guards

He was aided by Laura

Who shot the second guard in the balls

As they crossed the final landing

They will never be caught

I wish them well

 

Release

Because I helped to bury the murdered guards in the prison yard my sentence has been reduced

The quick lime burnt my hands

And that accounts for my release

Prisoners who burn their hands are often released without question

I will be released tomorrow

 

Breakfast in the Stars

ChiChiChi was true to her word as soon as I had passed through the prison gates a vagrant in a double breasted suit handed me her newspaper article. I gave him one of her letters which he sniffed and placed in his pocket with a smile

 

Gardeners Warned about Mildew Menace

By ChiChiChi
Environment Editor

Gardeners and allotment owners are being warned to be extra vigilant after a warm wet summer has made it a bumper year for the powdery mildews that destroy fruit and vegetables

The white powdery fungal disease kills and maims apples (good I never liked those arrogant fuckers) blackcurrants (weak), gooseberries, (queers) and courgettes and marrows (they have one fucking use)

Roses (think of me) and Honeysuckle (and smell my cunt) are also affected. It has also caused problems for farmers as it attacks sugar beet (the sweetness of my lips) and barley (boring just fucking boring)

This has been a bumper year for powdery mildews –” we have had a dry summer with a bit of wetness (think of me) and then it has become dry again” said Peter Jenkins the senior horticultural adviser at the RHG (That is bloody obvious even a fucking albino would know that)

These can kill but usually maim and weaken plants. In vegetables this can reduce the size and shorten the yield (boring boring)

“It kills off some of the shoots and can damage the plants for the following year” added Mr Jenkins

“The mildew season peaks around now” he said as he took his hand off of my breast (do not worry my love I have kicked the fucker down the stairs)

 

Born In Torquay

I found ChiChiChi in a greasy café not far from the prison. She was wearing my favourite fisherman’s sweater and faded blue jeans and was barefoot as normal

She never wore shoes as she wanted to feel the pulse of the world every time she walked

One would have thought that her feet would have been soiled and torn yet they were as clean as if they had recently been bathed

Next to her was a striking man with a thick moustache and the most piercing eyes

His cheek also was badly scarred

He did not say much and I considered him to be foreign but like me he had been born in Torquay

He ordered three breakfasts of egg sausages fried bread and beans but told us not to eat what was in front of us

This confused the waitress as he declined tea

He explained that if we stared at our breakfast for long enough and imagined flying saucers then we would understand the fundamentals of space travel

He had discovered this over one hundred years previously when in Africa

I told him of my interest in mildew and that I was an albino

This was of no consequence he added

He declined our invitation to accompany us as he had a pressing engagement in Barnes

About five minutes later he left

ChiChiChi and I stared at our breakfast and soon we were travelling in space

The whole concept was so simple I thought as we circled the solar system hand in hand

We decided to settle on one of Jupiter’s moons where I built a castle in my dreams

We often played Chopin together as the distant sun sank and when it was totally dark wrote love letters to each other of the most beautiful blue paper in the universe