Stroketh and his girlfriend BunnyJaneBunny had packed ham sandwiches and a ginger beer milkshake for their day out
They were going to visit the Museum of Modern Art where BunnyJaneBunny was to model for Yves Klein
Stroketh was wearing a sober brown suit with a yellow tie
BunnyJaneBunny was wearing a dress of many colours
Stroketh disliked his girlfriend’s dress
BunnyJaneBunny thought her boyfriend looked rather formal
Neither spoke of their dislikes
At the door of the gallery they were met by the artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF)
Stroketh asked of the admission
Admission was by confession only
The Confession of BunnyJaneBunny as witnessed by Stroketh and the artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF)
After my parents split up my life went downhill and quite clinically I descended into drugs. I lived in a filthy squat in Camden and soon any money I had ran out and I was forced to fuck and suck my way through half of the area to fund my habit
Yet there was one constant thing during this whole time and that was little Miss Martin who ran the tobacconists nearly opposite the market
I often stole my cigarettes from there when buying chocolate
Miss Martin knew that I was a thief but made no attempt to stop me. Instead she always complimented me on my appearance
“How lovely you are my dear” she would say as soon as I entered the shop and would deliberately turn her back when I was stealing her cigarettes
In the fact the opposite was true. I was living from one needle to the next, I was addicted to Heroin, amphetimes, nicotine, booze and living on every cock or cunt that took my fancy
I should have been dead but outwardly I was beautiful, there were no needle marks on my arms, my skin was of porcelain as it had always been and my eyes were bright and healthy
I could wake up in a pool of vomit but I would always smell of perfume
This puzzled me but my brain was so fucked I did no question it
One thing that I did notice during this dreadful period was that Miss Martin was declining and looking unwell. I put this down to age and foolishly it did not bother me until one day when I entered her shop and found it in semi-darkness. On the wooden counter there was a note addressed to me which read;
“I have died for your sins my dear, I hope you don’t mind”
From that day onwards I was clean, this is my confession
The artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) opened the door and let BunnyJaneBunny pass. She smiled shyly and sat on a bench masturbating a small sculpture that stood on a plinth next to her
The artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) turned to me and indicated that I should confess if I required entry
The Confession of Stroketh as witnessed by the artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) but not by BunnyJaneBunny who was masturbating a nearby sculpture
When I was eight years old I pretended that I was ten and decided to collect conkers in Richmond Park
I was obsessed with conkers and often took them on my family holidays
Each conker had a name
I had collected some five hundred conkers in a small cardboard box and was feeling very pleased with myself as I was planning a migration to an unknown country and these conkers would be my pioneers
It was then that I noticed that I had lost my bus fare home
I was very upset and felt very lost, I abandoned the conkers who shared my grief and walked in tears around the park
A dog came up to me sharing friendship but I threw a stone at the beast and shouted at it
As darkness was descending a man came up to me and asked if I wanted to see his train set as he lived quite close to the park
I declined as even then I disliked homosexuals
His enquiry persisted so I hit him with a branch bloodying his head
As he crawled away he noted that I would never leave the park intact
I was terrified and ran and ran until I came across a bus stop in the middle of the park. I waited at the bus stop and within a minute a number 28 bus emerged from the mists. The conductor indicated that I should get on
“I have no money” I noted as I stood on the open platform expecting to be asked to leave
“That is of no consequence young man” said the conductor and it was then with shock that I noticed that the conductor was not human but canine
Although dressed in a London Transport uniform the conductor was unmistakably a Border Collie and possessed similarities to the one I had attacked earlier in the day
My fellow passengers on the bus were all human and did not take a moment of notice of their canine conductor
The dog ensured that I alighted at the correct stop and gave me a florin and told me to sew it into my jacket so that if I lost my fare again whilst collecting conkers I would have the funds for my home return
From that day onwards I vowed to like dogs and now BunnyJaneBunny and I keep a pair of Border Collies in our house in Richmond and every autumn we dress them up in the uniforms of London Transport bus conductors of the 1960s and relive my nightmare
I love dogs but dislike homosexuals that is my confession
How Stroketh grew to love Photoshop when BunnyJaneBunny was arrested
After they were admitted to the gallery Stroketh and BunnyJaneBunny found themselves in a large room devoid of colour. The walls were entirely white as were the paintings exhibited. They had only been in the room for a few minutes when a security man grabbed BunnyJaneBunny’s wrist and demanded her dress which he declared stolen
BunnyJaneBunny refused the request and was arrested by a passing policeman being accused of the theft of the colour of the works on display
“When I arrived this morning officer this room was full of vibrant colour” said a gallery attendant as BunnyJaneBunny was led away
Stroketh was impassive as he knew the truth and he and BunnyJaneBunny exchanged knowing glances as she passed him
They exchanged thoughts
“Give them your silly dress, you know I did not like it at all. I have stolen a beautiful Victorian gown for you whilst the commotion took place. You will like it as it is Olive Green”
“Will you hold it when I pose for Yves Klein?”
“You will not be required to pose, it is me he requires”
“He wants you to be covered in blue paint and to roll around naked on a canvas?”
“I wish, he has requested that I leap from a wall near a railway line into a void”
“You will break your bones”
“Exactly, but he has assured me that his assistants will be there to catch me as I fall and they will be erased from the final photograph giving the impression that I am falling freely ”
“Photoshop?”
“J’adore Photoshop”
BunnyJaneBunny was taken into a small cell at the gallery where people who did not love art were held She was ordered to remove her dress and return the colours to the gallery. After protest she complied but noticed that as she removed the dress of many colours the olive green gown was underneath
“Let this be a lesson to you young lady, we are sick of people coming into the gallery and stealing our colour. You are free to go” the director of the gallery said to her as she was released
“J’adore Photoshop”
BunnyJaneBunny returned to the previously white room to find Stroketh in pain on the floor
“Fuck Photoshop, fuck, fuck, fuck, Photoshop”
Yves Klein entered the room covered in blue paint and said
“You should have awaited my command”
“Fuck your command”
“Do not worry my friend I will Photoshop your pain away”
A naked woman walked into the room. She was covered in blue paint which dripped onto the gallery floor as she walked towards Stroketh . In her hands was a paint covered laptop
“This is my assistant; she will take your pain away”
“I have broken my shoulder you fool ! ”
Yves Klein did not reply but watched as his naked assistant pressed a succession of keys on the laptop
The pain that Stroketh was experiencing suddenly vanished
“J’adore Photoshop” the artist said as he left the room with his naked assistant who was covered in blue paint
BunnyJaneBunny sits for the artistt who refused to disclose his name (JDF) and changes her name on his request
BunnyJaneBunny walked into the next room which was in fact a wide passage with paintings hung on each side
The artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) was standing in front of a blank canvas
Behind the canvas was a settee with a generous white throw covering it. It blocked the far exit to the gallery and was causing some disruption
“Would you sit on the settee my dear and wear the white gown which you will find behind the furniture”
BunnyJaneBunny removed her olive green gown without modesty and opened the parcel. It contained a large flowing white nightdress
“You say that you are a colourist but you insist I wear white, why do you ask this of me?” she said as she sat on the settee”
“An artist never sees colour my dear he imagines it”
The artist went back to his palette and began to add the most vivid colours
BunnyJaneBunny noticed that there was a book on the settee with her it was a copy of the Journals of Dorothy Wordsworth
“Would you like me to read to you?”
“That would be most pleasurable my dear. Would you read to me Dorothy’s account of her visit to Dover Castle on the 11th of July 1820. I think you will find it on page 415”
“Dover, Tuesday July 11th – We walked to the castle before breakfast.The building when you are close to it, appears even sublime, from its immense height and bulk but it is not rich or beautiful in architecture”
The artist suddenly took the book from BunnyJaneBunny and threw it to the floor
“I am sorry my dear but the passage is so painful to me”
“It is about Dover Castle why should it cause you such pain?”
The artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) ignored the question and went back to his palette
“Why do you have such a strange name?” he asked
“I am named after my mother and our two pet rabbits”
There was a pause when neither BunnyJaneBunny nor the artist spoke
It was the artist who broke the silence
“You asked why I threw the book down; well my dear tragedy has crossed my life also. I had a sister called Jean. But she is no longer with me due to a hunting accident at Dover Castle”
“She fell from observation deck” BunnyJaneBunny said without much thought
“No it was a hunting accident in the most tragic of circumstances. One day when walking near the entrance to the castle she chanced upon a rabbit. She always carried a shotgun for protection from strangers and rabbits. Well on this occasion my dear sister let the little chap have it with both barrels not knowing that it was an Arabian Rabbit which have extremely hard skulls. To cut the story short the shot deflected from the creature’s skull back into my sister’s face and killed her. It was so so pointless as the rabbit was run over by a tourist coach later that day. I had warned her about rabbits from Arabia but she did not listen.She was so wilful”
“How sad”
“I have a kindness to ask of you.Call me a silly old colourist, but it would mean so much to me”
“What is your request?”
“That you shall be known as BunnyJeanBunny in honour of my sister”
“It would be a pleasure, from now on I shall be known as BunnyJeanBunny”
The artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF) picked up the book from the floor and handed it back to BunnyJeanBunny who as she opened it and immediately noticed a difference. The book was now a copy of The Villa by the Sea by James Hedderwick
BunnyJeanBunny was about to comment about the changes in the book when she noticed that her white nightgown was beginning to achieve colour
The painting had commenced
Stroketh learns to use audio guides and meets Andrei Rublev in the first floor gift shop
Stroketh had wandered into a gallery which was empty except for one brick. A number of people were looking at the brick and each was listening to an audio commentary
Stroketh took an appliance from the wall and after the prelimaries listened to the commentary
ONE – AIRPORTS – “When I have sex my girlfriend wears as much clothing as possible so that penetration is almost impossible. When I ask her why she prefers sex in this manner she likens it to visiting a beautiful area of the world but not progressing after arrival at the airport and waiting for the next flight home
TWO – GOLDEN RAIN – “When I found out that my husband was cheating on me I waited to he was crippled in a car crash and totally dependent on my offices to get my revenge. When he requests a shower I piss on him reminding him that when he was not broken that he used to piss on me”
THREE – THE AUDIO GUIDE – “Why are you looking at the brick you fucking moron! You should be thinking of me sitting here all day watching you cunts come in and look at that fucking house brick and thinking how wonderful it is. It’s a fucking brick that’s all a fucking brick! There are thousands like it; in fact this whole building is made out of fucking bricks. I am an audio guide and maybe in your fucking world I do add up too much.But I am important. The confessions you heard at the beginning were recorded by members of staff and you can’t do that with a fucking brick can you? Instead of letting me dangle around your neck like a namby-pamby tourist listen to me! People confide in me, how would I have known that Lucy was such a tight bitch or where Moira pisses in the evening? It’s because they confide and trust me. Now if you have finished looking at that fucking brick would you return me to the hooks on the wall and fuck off!”
Instead of returning the audio guide to the hooks on the wall Stroketh placed the device on the brick. A woman in a purple dress watched him
“What are looking at you ugly bitch!” said the audio guide
Andrei Rublev was in the gift shop as arranged looking through the post cards. He was the Artist in Residence and there was a large exhibition of his icons being shown in the gallery. Stroketh shook the Russian’s hand and they agreed to go to the coffee shop as they were both quite thirsty and BunnyJeanBunny has left the ginger beer milkshake on the tube. A large waitress in a sombre black skirt and an ill-fitting white blouse took their order and soon returned with their refreshment
“Andrei, I have question to ask, I have just passed your exhibition and everybody who was looking at your icons was naked, why was that?”
“The answer is obvious my friend”
“Not to me”
“You agree that my icons are the most beautiful icons ever produced”
“Yes”
“Well nothing should distract from their beauty that is why I insisted on the nudity clause before the exhibition or the acceptance of the residence”
Stroketh did not answer but the confused look on his face amused the Russian
“My friend do not look so concerned. When I create the icons I am always naked, I would not dream of creating them in any other state. You noticed the fat waitress that served us a few moments ago; well she is the happiest person in this whole gallery”
“She looked miserable and bored to me”
“That is only appearances my friend. If you look to the left of the till there is another waitress who I think you would call attractive. But she is the most miserable person in the building”
“Why she has the looks, the figure and knows how to dress?”
“I will call her over, look at her face and tell me if you see anything”
Andrei Rublev called the attractive waitress to the table and ordered two teacakes
“Did you notice anything?”
“No”
“She has a red pimple on her face due to her menstruation and because of this she considers herself ugly”
“It will go when the cycle stops”
“But it will return next month and the month after as she has a small fault in her porcelain skin and she know of this fact and that is why she considers herself ugly”
“A crack in perfection”
“Exactly, In half and hour the fat waitress will finish her shift and will visit my exhibition as she does every day. She will go naked and show off her rolls of fat and unrestrained pubic hair but this will be of no consequence to her as she considers herself beautiful”
“But she is a beast”
“To you and me yes, but she sees herself as the most beautiful woman in the world and this fact is further enhanced when she sits in front of my beautiful icons. She is made of flesh and bone as the attractive waitress is. My icons are made of similar materials as other works in this gallery and I know that they are beautiful as the fat waitress knows she is beautiful”
“Her gaze is full of beauty”
“At last you understand me my friend. My gaze may be beautiful at times but yours sadly is ordinary. I watched you enter the gallery with BunnyJaneBunny who was wearing her dress of many colours which if I am not wrong you disliked”
“It was too bright and did not go with her hair”
“It was perfect; it was just your gaze that was corrupted”
Stroketh and Andrei Rublev waited to the fat waitress finished her shift and followed her to the Icon Gallery. As with all the other visitors she undressed and sat in front of the Russian’s Trinity Icon. From their vantage both men could see that the fat waitress was weeping with the tears disappearing into her folds of fat but she was not aware of them
“See she weeps from happiness, she knows that she is in the presence of beauty and she knows that the icons consider her beautiful as well”
The attractive waitress entered the gallery with a stiff glance. She was holding the angry audio guide.
Stroketh stepped back so he could hear what the woman was recording
“ You fucking bitch, you see I have brought you a cake covered in green icing, your favourite colour, well you are not going to enjoy it as I am going to place it on a railway line so that a train will smash it and you will have to watch this with me you cunt, you fucking cunt ! ”
The attractive waitress then carefully placed the audio guide on the hook and left
After an enjoyable day at the MOMA, Stroketh and BunnyJeanBunny leave the gallery. On their way out they visit the ground floor gift shop
After saying farewell to Andrei, Stroketh walked towards the front entrance of the building. He ran his hands along the impasto walls causing a dust to fall onto the passage floor. The footprints of the day had been recorded
As he approached the stairs Stroketh noticed that amongst the human footprints there were some canine ones which was strange as dogs were not permitted to enter the gallery
The mystery was soon solved when a Border Collie passed him. He did not speak to the dog and they passed without acknowledgement
What Stroketh did notice was the broad smile on the dogs face
He had agreed to meet BunnyJeanBunny in the hall of reversed paintings but she was not there
It was as he turned to leave the hall that he spotted her
She was standing in the opposite doorway and since he had last seen her had had her hair cut into a bobbed style. She was wearing a jade sleeveless dress with a black trimmed collar and a matching black sash
“I like your hair the gallery has done a good job”
“The colourist paid for it”
“And did he buy the dress?”
“No it just appeared on the white settee whilst I was posing for him”
“Did you wear it when you posed?”
“No I wore a white nightgown which changed in colour as he painted me”
“The colourist has excellent taste”
“I agree, how was Andrei?”
“He taught me about beauty”
“I have changed my name”
“Why?”
“In memory of the colourist’s late sister”
“The one who died at Dover Castle?”
“Yes, it was such a dreadful accident”
“What is your new name?”
“BunnyJeanBunny”
The couple walked away from the galleries and found themselves in front of the ground floor gift shop
It was selling wallpaper which pleased BunnyJeanBunny as she liked wallpaper. Stroketh looked at the postcards as he always purchased one on each visit
He looked a dreadful Dickens postcard with an even more dreadful rhyme
Mr Micawber tall and twee
Likes scones and cream
When he comes for tea
There was a Jane Austin postcard which took his breath away with its awfulness
Jane Austin is coming for tea
She is going to chat with you and me
Stroketh liked the Egon Schiele postcards which although written in German tended to mention his masturbating sister a great deal
They were not for sale
Stroketh did not buy a postcard
“Shall we buy some wallpaper for the wet room?”
“Are you tired of the colour we have already”
“There is no colour in the wet room, just a series of sketches on all the walls”
“Do they bore you?”
“In a way, one can only appreciate charcoal drawings for so long and they do have a tendency to run, sometimes my bathwater is black”
“Ok, you do have a point, which pattern do you like?”
“Well I was much taken by Andrei’s Icons and the Pugin designs but I think I will settle for the colourists wallpaper”
“So that every time you bathe you can see yourself”
“It’s not me; the painting is not even dry yet. It was only finished this afternoon”
“It is you, I recognise your eyes”
“Then I shall watch myself bathe for eternity”
After purchasing a number of rolls of wallpaper Stroketh and BunnyJeanBunny leave the MOMA
Stroketh and his girlfriend BunnyJeanBunny had eaten the ham sandwiches that they had prepared earlier but had lost the ginger beer milkshake on the tube
They both rather disliked ginger beer milkshake
Neither knew this of the other
They had visited the Museum of Modern Art but BunnyJeanBunny had not modelled for Yves Klein but for the artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF)
Stroketh was still wearing his sober brown suit but had removed his yellow tie
BunnyJeanBunny was wearing the jade silk dress which she had noticed when posing
It had a matching collar and sash
Stroketh liked his girlfriend’s dress
BunnyJeanBunny still thought her boyfriend looked rather formal
Neither spoke of their likes or dislikes
At the door of the gallery they were met by the artist who refused to disclose his name (JDF)
Stroketh enquired about the exit fee
There was no exit fee