As I was passing the boat-slip I noticed that filming was taken place once more

The boat-slip was quite often used as a location when films were being made

The wet cobblestones were reflecting the many arc lights that were being used

Two women were singing to each other near to the water’s edge

And a much older man was sitting at a piano

The women’s mezzo-soprano voices echoed into the darkness of the estuary

Do not worry we will improve this in the studio

A member of the sound crew spoke to me as I lingered watching the filming take place

I think it is quite beautiful the way it is

It is very beautiful but we can still improve it

Who are the singers?

Connie-Connie and Tess-Tess Tall

I believe that I may have seen them on television

And over there sitting at the piano covered with lobsters is Anthony Dove

They are all very talented

Quite so but we chose them for their acting ability also

What are you filming?

Dover Castle it is a sprawling love story set during the Napoleonic Wars

Why are there so many lobsters?

Good question it is a little known fact that Napoleon sent a number of lobsters to this part of England to act as to use a better term fifth columnists

To achieve what end?

To extinguish all types of English music

Interesting

He reasoned that without their music the English would be easily broken

But did he not consider the power of the bluebell?

Connie-Connie had finished filming and was standing close to me

It was as she turned towards me that I noticed that her costume was made from thousands of tiny bluebells

She handed me one

These were the true heroes of the Napoleonic Wars

The bluebells?

Yes the bluebells

As we spoke a blue lobster landed between us and was immediately attacked by a seagull

Shoo shoo you horrible thing shoo

Connie-Connie stamped on the cobblestones to frighten the bird

Would you pick up the lobster as I confess I am a little scared of them

I picked up the struggling lobster which nipped me as dropped it into the murky waters of the estuary

Thank you

Anthony Dove walked towards us

Really Anthony I do not know how you put up with them crawling all over your piano

You get used to their habits after a while I think  we have been tasked to get rid of these pesky creatures

He gestured that I should help him clear the piano of the lobsters

For the next five minutes to the distress of our person we removed the lobsters from the piano and returned them to the water

Connie-Connie was watching us with a smile on her face as with one hand we fended off the seagulls and with the other we moved the lobsters to safety

Connie darling I would not detain yourself in that dress for too long as the bluebells will die and you will find yourself quite naked

Tess-Tess Tall who had already changed was speakingto Connie-Connie

The perks of costume dramas I suppose and this is one of the reasons I rarely do them

Connie-Connie picked up a large red sheet and handed it to me as I joined her and Tess-Tess Tall

When the crowds disperse would you hold this in front of me as I get changed

Soon Tess-Tess Tall joined Anthony Hope who was signing autographs for the crowd that had gathered

Connie-Connie moved towards the piano

I think we are out of sight here do hold the sheet up while I change and be careful as I do not want to appear unclad in the gossip magazines as it is so embarrassing

To obscure my own view I deliberately held the sheet up in front of me as Connie-Connie changed

She has sung in Milan, Paris and London and is the main reason why this whole project was financed in the first place

I think your voice is better

Nonsense do keep the sheet still as I am quite naked there is very little modesty in this profession but one can only but try

Connie-Connie emerged from her screen fully dressed she handed me a bunch of bluebells

For you do join me for coffee later

Where?

At that coffee shop across the square

The Emperor Napoleon?

The very same I will see you in ten   

She was true to her word and entered the coffee shop carrying a folder exactly ten minutes later

These are our production notes today was the last day of location filming you know and then we go back to Paris to complete the studio work

How long will that take?

About six weeks they still have to film my death scene

You die then?

I am executed by a firing squad have you not read the book?

No

Well the lobsters do their job well and England is deprived of her music and then Napoleon invades and later I am cornered in Dover Castle and am executed facing France

What about Wellington and Waterloo?

It did not happen Wellington was killed in a minor skirmish in Antwerp

The battle at Waterloo never took place have you never read your history books?

I am just teasing you

The scene that you just witnessed was the one where my character and Tess’s character are supposed to be met by a small boat so that they might escape this countryb

But the boatman have been bribed and do not show up and we are captured

Why are you wearing a bluebell dress?

Tess’s character resists her capture and is drowned in the river by hundreds of lobsters but I capitulate as I can see that resistance is futile

I am then taken to Dover Castle and thrown naked into a cell

My bluebell dress is placed on a bonfire that awaits my execution

They want me to see France and my bluebell dress burning as I die

You said that you were cornered in Dover Castle

Yes I make one last escape bid but I am soon caught

Go on

Well they wrap the flag of France around me and tie me to a post

And as the firing squad prepares my bluebell dress is set alight and I am shot watching it burn with the coast of France in the background

Why was Anthony Hope playing the piano on the boat-slip?

As you might have noted I said that the main reason the lobsters arrived here was to extinguish our English music

Well Anthony’s character was gradually being consumed by the little monsters

What was your relationship with Tess-Tess Tall?

We were lovers that was our farewell aria

So the might of France crushed little England

Have you not read your history books?

Napoleon won

You are teasing me again

Yes and things are exactly the same now as they were over two hundred years ago the book and the film are just glorified propaganda

Why do you do it?

One has to live and good old Dover Castle is remade about every twenty years the victory of the pure French over the corrupt English empire

It is all a little sad

I have told you a lot about myself but you have not told me anything about yourself two hours ago I did not know you and here I am having coffee with you

I am a filmmaker a member of the Kriutz-Monzian Collective and this is the reason I accidently found you

Explain

About six months ago I saw a short film you made about five years ago in which you assassinate Napoleon the Tenth with a pistol

You kill both the emperor and the unfortunate rent boy who is sharing his bed

I did not think that film would ever see the light of day

Do you have radical leanings?

I did then

But now do you want to rid England of the French?

How do I know you are not a spy?

How do I know that you are not a beautiful spy like Judith?

We will have to trust each other

You let me see you naked but you do not trust me

Modesty is not a matter of clothes or of no clothes it is a quality of the soul

So do you trust me?

Yes I know who you are

I am aware that you belong to a subversive organisation called The Sleeve

You have researched me well are you sure you are not a French spy I have a career to maintain you know

No more period dramas for you no more dresses made of bluebells no more lobsters

That is fine with me

I have a mission for you

To kill the emperor?

No that will happen in a month when he reaches Dover

You are going to assassinate the emperor

No but I know it is going to happen

What is your role?

I am going to film it for the Collective

Where is it going to happen?

Dover that is all I know I am going to be contacted later I hope

How do you know that I am not a spy?

Because your eyes are a different colours one green and one blue

David Bowie has different coloured eyes is he a revolutionary?

I do not know I have never asked him

When I changed did you notice the small tattoo on my lower back?

Yes FTE

Do you know what it means?

Is it you mothers initials?

That is what I tell everybody

Do they believe you?

I would imagine so how could their beloved Connie-Connie be anything but a national treasure she has been making films since her early years she is as French as they come

Do you know that five years ago I was actually given an audience with the emperor

Yes you should have killed him then and there

Then I would not be sitting here with you would I ?

I handed Connie-Connie a slip of paper and as I did so I noticed that we were being watched

Sign your autograph as I think that the suit over there is watching us

Connie-Connie reached into her bag for a pen and let some of the contents fall to the floor as she picked them up she handed me a Japanese Nambu pistol

The suit did not see the gun

I am going to go to the hotel over there follow me after five minutes if the suit follows you I will be waiting for him is there a silencer for this thing

No

Great if I have to use the gun it will wake up half of the neighbourhood

I crossed the small square and entered the hotel and sat in the bar where I could see the coffee house clearly

Connie-Connie as instructed followed me across five minutes later the suit did not follow her immediately

But I could see two green lobsters just behind her

I slipped out of the hotel by the side entrance and came face to face with the lobsters who had drawn their weapons

There were a couple of muffled shots and both lobsters fell dead at my feet

Connie-Connie appeared from the main door of the hotel

I thought you said that you did not have a silencer

For your pistol no for mine yes I thought they would go for you

Where is the suit?

Taking a swim

Did you kill him?

No the seagulls took care of him

The seagulls?

Yes they are part of the resistance and hate lobsters as much as I do

Another lobster appeared and Connie-Connie shot it dead

A seagull landed and dragged its remains towards the river

The square was quiet again

Do you think they are on to us?

No these were just the shock troops which you will always find near film sets they are there to ensure that we are not filming subversive stories

Will the French not miss them?

Maybe next week as I said we had wrapped filming and were leaving town

I looked at the boat-slip and there was no indication that filing had taken place apart from a couple of arc lights and a number of metal containers

Shall we finish our coffee?

Stay here?

Hide in the plain sight if we run they will know that Connie-Connie and her gay friend were the shooters if we remain here then if they show up again they will not suspect us

We ordered another cup of coffee each as our previous one’s had chilled

Were they following you?

Connie-Connie is followed everywhere remember I am a national treasure I am protected

What happened just now was a random terrorist attack that occured while we were innocently chatting in a coffee shop

Was that film I saw you in real?

Yes a grade one snuff movie although sadly the emperor was not shot but we killed his stinking son

How

He was as bent as they come so we recruited an informer to act as a rent boy and encouraged his son into our trap

And you killed him

Yes and the traitor

Why did you appear on film surely that was a death wish?

No really it was an insurance policy England will be free again and for a while there will be a vacuum

I want people to know that Connie-Connie the national treasure of France was in fact a committed revolutionary

Read the slip of paper I gave you as it has your orders

Connie-Connie glanced around the empty room

Do not worry this is a safe spot as you can see the owner is called JLS

Connie-Connie smiled as she read the note

This has style great style did you create it?

Every word

A deserter from Napoleons army that did not fight at Waterloo was sitting with Judith the beautiful spy reading The Apocrypha

A mermaid was keeping watch from the rocks above the beach

She was naked

Mermaids are always naked

From their vantage both Judith and the deserter could see the French military movements in preparation for the visit of the emperor

Four machine guns had been placed on the Martello Tower which should have given the troops manning them the cover of the harbour

But somebody had made a fatal mistake as the guns had only a range of five hundred metres and the harbour where the emperor would arrive was over a mile way

She anointed herself with ointment and bound her hair in a tire and took a linen garment to deceive him

Her sandals ravished his eye and took his soul prisoner

The scimitar passed through his neck

Connie-Connie handed the note back to me and I burnt it in the ashtray

So it is not going to happen in Dover?

No too much collateral damage it would not be popular

There harbour you describe is Folkestone is it not?

Spot on it is more isolated

So I am supposed to dress up as a Biblical character and chop the emperor’s head off I will be cut down on the spot and why would I be carrying a scimitar in the first place?

This is the clever bit

I am listening

You are Connie-Connie the national treasure who would suspect you

You have not explained the scimitar

You are creating a scene from The Apocrypha

The Book of Judith I get it but really it is a bit of a one way street for me is it not I have just cut the emperors head off with a scimitar

I will be meat there on the harbour the French will not take kindly to this at all national treasure or not why not just shoot him or cause an explosion?

The whole South Coast is tighter than virgin’s knickers you cannot even get a pen-knife through the checkpoints

How do I know that this is the real emperor you know he uses dummy-emperors all the time to avoid assaination attempts

You will be killing the real emperor remember it is exactly two hundred years since the French invaded England he will be there

If security is so tight how did you manage to meet me?

I am a ghost I have been dead for many years I am the deserter from the army that did not fight at Waterloo

I wondered why you did not react when the lobsters drew their weapons

You cannot kill the dead

Connie-Connie touched my arm

You do not seem very dead to me

I am dead I was executed by Napoleons soldiers after I deserted from the army that did not fight at Waterloo

Are you French?

No English I am Wellingtons lost son or I was

You are beginning to lose me I have killed and will kill again as my filming commitments allow but this is small fry the odd lobster here the odd snuff movie there but you expect me to kill the emperor in broad daylight

Yes

Why can you not do it after all you are dead and you said that you cannot kill the dead?

It would not work I would not be able to get near him

So it is down to me and me only?

What do you see in front of you?

The menu

Look more closely

The Apocrypha

They are on each table even the one the late suit sat on

Would he not have been suspicious?

No it would have just been a general menu to him only freedom fighters such as you and I know what it really is

And the Book of Judith the beautiful spy is in The Apocrypha

Clever is it not?

I have met you before haven’t I?

Yes I was the unfortunate rent boy you shot to death when you killed the emperor’s son

You had your head blown off

The dead do not feel pain

I feel that if I go ahead with this plan then I will get my head blown off and I assure you that I do feel pain

I was approached when I met the emperor previously but it did not work out much to my relief

This is the clever bit the note mentioned the naked mermaid well she is one of our most experienced operatives she has been at Sunny Beach for nearly four years now and the whole place is seriously wired

Bombs?

No too tricky

Then what?

Smoke grenades there are over a hundred planted all around the harbour and they are timed to explode as soon as you raise your scimitar

I will not see what I am doing

You will for a second or so after you have killed him you will leap into the sea where friendly mermaids will carry you to safety while the confusion exists

To all extents and purposes you will become a mermaid while the revolution takes place

What grow a tail a smell of fish?

Not all mermaids have tails and they certainly do not smell of fish

Are you sure?

Lizzie the script girl is a mermaid we recruited her to protect you

What little fragrant Lizzie she would not harm a fly?

She is a trained killer one of our best

And she is a mermaid?

Yes she was born in the shallows at Sandwich Bay

No more Connie-Connie

No more Connie-Connie you will be Tanya the hero of the revolution

That sounds a bit foreign what about Geraldine?

Geraldine hero of the revolution I like it

A shot rang out as we left the coffee house shattering a window nearby and both Connie-Connie and I went back to back with our pistols drawn

Bloody lobsters they do not give in

Two more shots rang out

Do not shoot yet

What is your name?

I am Wellingtons lost son

Do you have a name?

Cedric

Cedric!

Dad was not very good on names

Connie-Connie began to laugh

Concentrate remember I cannot be killed

A figure waked from the shadows by the boat-slip

It was Anthony Hope

Then another figure appeared from the hotel

It was Tess-Tess Tall followed by a dozen suits each armed with Uzi’s

It was your immodesty that gave you away my dear you should have been more modest when changing

What do you mean?

Your tattoo I was not fooled for a minute as to its true meaning

It is my late mothers initials Frieda Tilly Armstrong

Tess-Tess Tall walked across the square and faced Connie-Connie

It also means Fuck the Emperor

That is your reading of it

We have been watching you for years ever since you made that appalling snuff movie

You are mistaken I am an actress just like you

Why do you think that you were cast in all these large productions it was not for your acting ability?

Or your willingness to do nude scenes

Anthony Hope stood next to Tess-Tess Tall

Are you going to kill us?

No that would be pointless anyway your gay friend is already dead

Then what are you going to do with us?

With your friend nothing he can fade and reappear at will but we will take you to Dover Castle where we will torture you until you reveal the details of the plot to assassinate our glorious emperor

Who are you?

I am Laval and the person you know as Tess-Tess Tall is in fact Judith the beautiful spy

I smiled

Were you able to see The Apocrypha’s?

As plainly as I see you

How?

Because we are both English and were sympathetic to the revolution before we saw the light

Then you can let Connie-Connie go you know the plan

Out of the question dear boy

You must have worked it out

Parts of it but not all of it that is why we are going to take Flossie to the castle for interrogation

Flossie I thought Cedric was bad

It is short for John my parents christened me John

Connie-Connie is my stage name

I know

Cedric be a good boy and fade into the afterlife or wherever you go as we have some work to do

Don’t you dare leave me

I was not planning to

Good

Raise your pistol

What!

Raise your pistol

I will be shot to pieces it is alright for you Captain Scarlet

Raise you pistol and shoot Anthony Hope between the eyes I will kill Tess-Tess Tall

Both Connie-Connie and I fired at the same time killing both Anthony Hope and Tess-Tess Tall

The suits all opened fire as we did and we were both hit in many times but gradually we killed each of the suits in turn

Connie-Connie and I finally found ourselves in a bloody heap in the middle of the square

We has both been shot many times

Flossie can you hear me?

What the fuck happened?

There was a fire-fight but we won

What do you mean we won I am riddled with bullets holes it is alright for you as you are already dead

Wait a minute am I now dead as I can feel a largehole in my head?

No you are alive

I have been hit by a number of bullets and you say that I am alive and above all my new jeans are ruined

Lizzie the script girl walked across the square

The Apocrypha is still on both Anthony Hope and Tess-Tess Tall were working independently I can confirm that

Hang on I am losing this I have been shot to pieces but you say that the assassination attempt is still on look I am full of holes I am dead Connie-Connie is dead

Lizzie the script girl and turned around and raised her shirt slightly

She had a tattoo which was identical to Connie-Connie’s

FYE

FUCK THE EMPEROR

Flossie the reason you are not dead even though you are full of holes it that you are a mermaid you have always been a mermaid since birth

I hate the sea

That was your cover

Even if I am a mermaid then I am a mermaid full of holes

Mermaids do not die just limp past the bodies and swim in the estuary for a few minutes and you will come back as good as new

Lizzie will accompany you

While you away I will clear this carnage up

An hour later we sat at the hotel bar

Ok I realise that I am a mermaid fine but you must realise I am a little sore when do I have to kill the emperor?

Tomorrow the emperor is arriving at Folkestone Harbour tomorrow

Great

I think an early night is in order I have booked us three rooms so that we are all fresh for tomorrow

Where will you go after the deed is done?

I will just fade

Lizzie after helping you will return to her day job although I fear that the film will never be completed as two of the lead actors are dead and the third has killed the emperor

You will return to the sea with the Folkestone mermaid 

Whilst you are away the French will be driven from these shores and will not return

England will be England again

The revolution started today it is just sad that lobster was off the menu because I must say I have worked up quite an appetite

Even the dead get hungry