Ethan Frome and Summer were in Bexhill on Sea
They were visiting
The De La Warr Pavilion
As they walked from the railway station to the sea front they passed a fish and chip shop
They were not hungry
But stopped to look at the television which was tuned to a news channel
The Pope was near death
The saddened Ethan as he too had been a goalkeeper
Before a shoulder injury curtailed his career
His last club had been a small football club which played in the Dutch Eredivisie without much success
The Pope had also been a goalkeeper in his native Poland
Bebita Brooks was a waitress at the The De La Warr Pavilion
She loved her job and often spent her lunch breaks on the sun terrace
Summer was sitting on the beach in front of the pavilion
She was wearing a fluorescent orange swimsuit
Bebita Brooks was sitting on a lounger on the sun terrace
She too was wearing a fluorescent orange swimsuit
Angela of the Crimes was investigating a robbery in a house not far from the De La Warr Pavilion
She was wearing a fluorescent orange swimsuit
I think the theft of the crystal was a blind
To deter us from the true nature of the crime
A painting has been stolen
The painting was called
L’Origine du monde
Ethan was sitting on the beach in front of the pavilion
He was watching the aircraft descending on their approach to Gatwick Airport
Karol Wojtyla was hovering just above the surface of the sea
He was blessing each plane as it passed overhead
On the road behind the pavilion a parade passed through the town
Soldiers on their way to Hastings
Left left left right left
Angela of the Crimes was looking out of the bay window
A storm was brewing and she could see the white outriders advancing in front of the grey storm clouds
Do you know that between 1815 and 1820 that Edgar Allan Poe lived in England?
No
I did not know that
Did she live in Bexhill on Sea?
Sergeant Lovibond
Yes sir
Edgar Allan Poe had a penis and therefore was a man
Sorry sir
In answer to your question there is no indication that Edgar Allan Poe ever lived in Bexhill on Sea
Angela of the Crimes looked at her sergeant as she moved around the large bright room in a rather staccato fashion
The sergeants heavy breasts dangled like cows udders as she examined the various works of art that the owner of the house had placed only six inches above his luxury lavender carpet
Do you realise that by the time you are forty that you will have lost any firmness in your breasts
I do not think I have any firmness in my breasts sir
Sergeant Lovibond stood up and faced Angela of the Crimes
She looked lopsided in her police issue loincloth and navy blue was certainly not her colour
Sir
Sergeant
This painting that we suppose has been stolen what was the subject matter?
A portrait?
No
A seascape?
No
A landscape
No again
That’s me exhausted what was the subject matter sir?
A cunt
A cunt?
Yes it was a painting of a woman’s cunt serargent why do you think it had such a title?
What was the title?
L’Origine du monde
The origin of the world
That’s a strange title sir
No it has a very simple title sergeant
I am still not with you sir
Do you have pubic hair sergeant?
Yes sir
Describe your pubic hair to me sergeant
Well it is the same colour as the hair on me head ginger like
Remove your loincloth sergeant
Angela of the Crimes looked at her colleague’s mass of ginger public hair
You know that you will never gain promotion sergeant
Why sir?
Because when you attain the rank of Chief Inspector you are required to shave your cunt and I believe that you would run into disciplinary problems quite quickly judging by the rate your pubic hair grows
Are you shaven sir?
Of course it was the first thing I did when I received the letter confirming my promotion
My cunt is as smooth as the vase you are holding
May I look at your cunt sir as I am keen to progress through the ranks
Of course
Angela of the Crimes removed her orange swimsuit
See not one hair
Touch it if you will
Sergeant Lovibond placed her hand on Angela’s cunt
So smooth sir so smooth
May I touch yours Lydia?
And that was the tableau that Colonel Price-Wallis saw when he entered the room
He was carrying a copy of L’Origine du monde
Perhaps this will help Chief Inspector my wife copied our painting during a church outing two years ago
Just in case it was stolen from us
Thank you sir
Do think you will track it down?
That is hard to say sir it is most probably in Hastings as we speak
I know that you will do your best
I do despise these blind crimes so
Yes sir these criminals are despicable the scum of the earth
Do you know that Edgar Allan Poe lived in this house between 1815 and 1820?
No I did not know that sir
Thank you for telling me
Bebita Brooks was sitting on a lounger on the sun terrace of the De La Warr Pavilion
She was wearing a fluorescent orange swimsuit
Bebita Brooks suddenly became aware of a Negro baby flying and landing and flying and landing on the sunlit sun terrace
She waved to the baby and it settled on her knee
And what is your name and does your mother know that you are flying around the pavilion unaccompanied?
I do not have a mother
Is she dead?
No I do not have a mother
I was not born of a mother
That is sad
I have always existed here in the De La Warr Pavilion
I fly when it is open and sleep when it is closed
I love the De La Warr Pavilion
That is why I work here it makes me so happy
How long have you worked here?
Since I was born
What do you do?
I am a waitress in the main restaurant and sometimes act up as a guide if we have parties from abroad visiting the pavilion
God is Dead you know
Is he?
Yes and only a void now exists
That is sad I rather liked God
Look over those rails what do you see?
The beach in front of pavilion and beyond that the sea
I can see Ethan and Summer sitting on the pebbles
Can you see the Pope?
No
The Pope is dying
I am sad to hear that news he was such an able goalkeeper in his youth
Yes even goalkeepers die
Ethan can see the Pope
He loves the Pope
God is Dead you know
Is he?
Yes and now only a void exists
That is sad I rather liked God
We are all existing in a void
Is this a void?
Sure is
But today is so beautiful
What a beautiful void it is
Voids do not have to be hostile
What will the Pope think when he finally arrives at the pearly gates and finds them closed?
That is a cliché
Nothing exists I have been there
But you are a baby a rather beautiful baby if you do not mind me saying so
Babies are wiser that philosophers
You are certainly wise
And you are beautiful
Thank you
The day is beautiful but God is Dead
Voids do not have to be hostile
Bebita Brooks looked into the huge brown eyes of the baby
She could see into the universe and beyond and this frightened her
The baby sensing her alarm turned his head and laughed at a passing seagull who was stealing the remains a sandwich carelessly abandoned
I will leave you now Bebita Brooks be careful not to burn
Beauty must not be harmed
Ethan Frome and Summer were still on the beach
Summer was now sitting up and reading a book about Pope Joan
She had stolen it from the main library in the De La Warr Pavilion
Ethan was thinking of his football career which had ended abruptly after twenty-eight minutes of a match in Rotterdam when his own centre half fell on him dislocating his shoulder
Although in pain Ethan fully expected to recover in time for the games later in the season (for the injury occured on a frozen January afternoon) but his shoulder had been fatally weakened and his career as a goalkeeper was for all intents and purposes over.
He would never play top flight football again
This fact made him sad as he adored the game
Hastings United had signed him on a non-contract basis and during the previous season he had played six games for them
But his injury was so severe that he was constantly in pain after games
So he gave up football altogether
Save for a charity matches
And even then he played on the field
Usually at left full back
Which was surprising as he was mainly right footed
He had met Summer at the De La Warr Pavilion
During a charity evening
She was an ex-policewoman who had grown tired of law and order and had decided to steal paintings from the wealthy in Hastings and elsewhere in the locality
Hidden in sack under her fluorescent orange parasol was the painting that she had stolen during the blind theft some hours earlier
Nudity on the beach in Bexhill on Sea was not encouraged unless one was in the act of getting changed and it was because of this that she kept the painting hidden in the sack
She knew that police were expecting the painting to be shipped abroad
Nobody would suspect that the girlfriend of an ex-goalkeeper in the Dutch Eredivisie would have stolen the painting
As an ex-policewoman she knew how the police thought and worked
She had never progressed beyond the grade of the average constable because she refused to remove her Brazilian
Brazil was her favourite country
And to ask her to remove her pubic hair in order to gain promotion was very wrong in her view
She considered the request racist
She would suffer no intolerance against her favourite country
And this in short was why she turned to crime
Summer was sitting on the beach in front of the pavilion
She was wearing a fluorescent orange swimsuit
Which she had stolen from the Sussex Police Force
It was the first thing she had stolen
And it still excited her to think about it
Karol Wojtyla was hovering just above the surface of the sea
But he was much smaller
Ethan could hardly see him
The Pope was still blessing the passing aircraft as they flew towards Gatwick Airport
But he was so small they could not see him
Ethan walked towards the sea and swam towards the hovering Pope
I am so tired my son please take me in your hand
Ethan cupped Karol Wojtyla in his hand and returned to the beach
I am dying you know
I am aware of that Sky News has picked up on your condition sir
Please do not call me sir
For I am no better than you indeed I am your servant
I was a goalkeeper you know
So was I in the far off days in Poland
Do you miss it?
I suppose I do
God created football you know
How do you know that?
He told me after I played my last game
Really
He came to me when I was saying my prayers and said he had invented football on the last day of his creation because he loved man so much
It was his gift to man possibly the most wonderful gift he has ever given us
I miss playing terribly
So do I
Is this young lady your girlfriend?
Yes she brought me through the hard times after I finished playing
What is her name?
Summer Summer Watson
She is a beautiful woman what does she do for a living?
She is an art thief
I see I must say that orange is her colour
It really suits her complexion
She stole the swimsuit from the Sussex Police Force
She was a policewoman?
Yes
A grand occupation why did she leave?
Because of the rules about the length of a policewoman’s pubic hair allowable whilst serving in the junior ranks
I see
And the enforced rules about its removal when achieving promotion to the higher ranks
This upset her and that is why she left the police force
Rules ruin everything Ethan
I agree Summer is a crack shot with both a handgun and a rifle
She was highly trained during her time with the police
Many politicians are less safe due to her resignation
The Pope had reduced in size during the course of their conversation
And was now no bigger than Ethan’s index finger
I am slipping now my child please cup you hand so that I may meet my God in your sanctuary
A tear ran from Ethan’s eye and dropped onto the pebbles
Do not cry my son for I am so happy
I am about to meet my God
I am sorry my father
The Pope smiled and said
Pozwolcie mi odejsc do domu Ojca
Summer looked at her watch
It was just before half past three in the afternoon
She wiped the tears from Ethan’s face
What did the Pope say to you?
He spoke in Polish to me
Did you understand his words as you speak no Polish?
I understood them clearly
What did he say?
He said in his quiet voice
Allow me to depart to the house of the Father
Was that all?
Yes that was all
Ethan looked into his cupped hand which was now completely empty
I think it is time for us to go just look at those storm clouds and the white outriders
Yes let us make our way to the railway station
Summer handed Ethan a small slip of paper
Here I stole this poem for you
Is it about football?
No cricket
You are a strange girl Summer Watson
Would you hold the towel up while I get changed Ethan?
There is no need to just check the by-laws
Nudity on the beach in Bexhill on Sea is not encouraged unless one was in the act of getting changed
Summer smiled and removed her fluorescent orange swimsuit
A voyeur who was hiding behind a windbreak raised his phone and started filming Summer
Instantly a bolt of lightning flashed down and melted his phone
Summer looked at the shocked voyeur
Sir I do not mind you watching me change but I do object to you recording the event
If I am of memory to you then retain my actions in your memory alone nowhere else
The voyeur looked at the stormy sky and began to pray for he had found God
As Summer put her shoes on the voyeur was struck by a second bolt of lightning and reduced to ashes
Why did God strike him down as he had repented his foul actions?
Because he was bearing false witness
He was looking up your skirt
On the train home Ethan pulled the poem that Summer had given him out of his pocket
I almost forgot about this
I have stolen many poems
May I read it to you?
Please
Crompton’s Cricket Crust
On June the 28th Crompton made 141 not out
Whilst reading the works of Coleridge at the wicket
The following week he made 222 not out
Whilst reading Wordsworth at the wicket
But when he started to read the Lyrical Ballads
His form at the wicket declined and he only made 28
Before being bowled
On six consecutive Sunday’s
It was only when he returned to Coleridge
That his form improved
And during the last hot weekend of the summer
He made 496 not out
Against a team from a village
Located six miles to the east of Maidstone