When I lost my job at the factory I was paid off with a cheque dated the 2nd of August 1877
It is natural to say that I was not very thrilled and protested straight away
The head of payroll told me that this was the only cheque left in the company and there was no other
I reluctantly accepted the cheque and went home where my aunt was cooking dinner with a bison
My uncle said that the cheque was worthless and offered to accompany me to the factory next day
Reluctantly I declined his offer as my beautiful cousin who was carrying my child had arrived and I did not want to upset her with my bad news
I also wanted to keep on the right side of my uncle as he owned the factory where I had once worked
My cousin and I were planning to live at the lodge which was empty after the execution of the previous tenants
Over dinner my uncle asked to see my cheque once again so I handed it to him
He studied it for a while and then proceeded to eat it saying that aged cheques prolonged eternal life
After his funeral I married my beautiful cousin and we travelled to the south seas where I began to write
A few words at first and then my waters broke and I was doing a thousand words a day which was obviously not good for a good Jewish boy like me
When we returned to Coldharbour-Coldharbour some twenty years later I found that I had inherited the great house and the lodge on the death of my aunt and her pet poodle
I was further a major shareholder in the factory that had once sacked me for getting too close to the guard dogs
My head wanted revenge for my shabby treatment but deep in my heart I felt forgiveness
I asked my beautiful cousin (who I had forgotten to marry) for advice but she had previously left me and was now living with my even more beautiful cousin
Who also liked guard dogs but not poodles
I became reclusive and funded wars in South East Asia before I became bored of this pastime and music in general
After flirting with space travel and tree surgery I invited my beautiful cousin along with my even more beautiful cousin to share my house and the lodge and part of the drive
It was my biggest mistake as they began poisoning me at once but I did not succumb as I had been warned in advance by my rather plain but not that bad looking cousin
After a while I even began to enjoy the caustic taste of the poison which came in a variety of colours
On the 37th of May this year I sold the business to a penniless musician who was deeply into the synthetic sounds of the Horn of Africa
My beautiful cousin and my even more beautiful cousin left the following day along with all my servants and my yellow guard dogs
I did not recover from this blow and was soon ordained as a church candle which had been my intention all along