I should not be telling you this but I know the whereabout of Steffo and Val

The cops if they knew this would probably haul me in for questioning and tea

So when you read this poem do not let me down as cops are best seen and not heard

But let me return to Steffo and Val both of whom I met at school

They were quite ordinary lads who liked football girls and the city of Norwich

Nothing strange there as many people like the city of Norwich

As you might guess Steffo and Val were abbreviations

Steffo was short for Stephan and Val short for Valentine

Val was often attacked by gangs hunting queers and suffered many injuries

Because of his silly name although he was as straight as I used to be

Steffo who was the taller of the two just hated people calling him Stephen

So he shortened his name to sound like a Norwegian pop star

But I stray as at the age of eighteen they both decided to become vigilantes

There were two many bad guys out there so they decided to clean things up

I suggested that they did a Charles Bronson act in duality

In short they would flash the cash and let the bad guys follow them

And then as Charlie did in Death Wish  they would ventilate their attackers

Then went on for about three years and left the cops confused

And believe it or not London began to feel safer and women walked alone

Steffo fondly remembers castrating a pervert in Regent Park and sending the dick to his mum

Not to be outdone Val killed a corrupt bisexual businessman with a silver handled pistol belonging to the victim

Both dreamed as being the serial killers of serial killers and quite quickly this became reality

London became even safer than Norwich and as there was fuck all else to do the cops began gardening

But then Steffo and Val spoilt it all by assassinating a much loved (socialist) politician

In a matter of a few days they became the most sought after killers in London (I know not why),

My friends then sought my help as I was the Mayor of London and Norwich

They told me they were planning to kill three trade union leaders a month and a left wing firebrand every quarter

It was a delicate position as left wing firebrands usually smoke themselves to death before retirement

That is where my poem ends

I think I have said too much already

Poetry deserves much more than this feeble offering

Till next time I bid you farewell

 

Tim Tim Tim