I have toured the countries of Europe for a number of years

I am not sure of my exact age as I brought up in an orphanage in Northern Greece

I was told that I was born in 1947 but I think I am much younger as my hair is only beginning to turn grey

Last Tuesday I said goodbye to my youth when accidentally hit a migrant with my car

I did not stop

I did not care

In a way I would like to die in a foreign country

I was jealous of the man

With this thought I lost my youth

I have joined the dead of Europe

I always travel in the northern territories of countries as I do not want to be seduced by the southern mood-lands

This is very true of Greece

I do not want to be corrupted

By the generous sun

I encourage people to write for me as I write for them

Most refuse but a woman from Belgium gave me a copy of a story that her daughter penned

The daughter suffers from depression and self harms on occasions

The work is unfinished and whether it is any good is open to opinion but I know why the girl wrote it

In a way I have the same feelings but do not confront them

I hide in northern countries

The story was written in an exercise book which I accidentally dropped during a violent storm

I apologise if it does not make sense

But the fault is all mine

 

When I close my eyes I am in Avignon

Race had left work early and had decided to visit her sister who had just returned from France

She found her sister sitting on the settee listening to Charles Aznavour on her record player

Race could see that she had been crying

It was so sad as I was watching him on a TV show just three days ago and now he has passed away

It happens to us all

Apart from this sadness did you have a nice time?

It was more than a nice time as my days in Avignon and Arles were some of my most memorable

Do you know that I dressed as a matador on the day I visited Arles and walked around the amphitheatre I think in homage to the bullfights held there

I felt like the girl from Christine and the Queens

Christine and the Queens

It is a French group have you not heard of them?

No

Well I particularly like the video that accompanied the song La Marcheuse in which a battered girl walks through a sun drenched village dressed for a bull fight she is followed by a bull and it is obvious that she is being treated as an outsider

What happens does the bull gore her?

No they confront each other for a while and then leave the village together

Did you get any funny looks?

Not that I was aware of

People just did not give a fuck about me

I as just a girl dressed for a bull fight

I hate bullfights don’t you?

I do not really have an opinion but saying this I was secretly pleased that an abattoir had been burnt to the ground by saboteurs I found out about it on the news   

For some reason I was angry at the owners of the abattoir

You eat meat

I know

Animals die in these places

What else was on the news?

The same shit

I only watched it in short bursts as I was waiting for the weather

Which was?

Great it was very hot with those gorgeous Provencal winds and the light was something else

Everything was so beautiful

So chic

So French

It sounds like you are having difficulty in coming to terms with Belgium

In a way I am

Everything was so beautiful in Avignon and Arles

But there must be ugly parts of France

It is no so much the towns and the cities for instance Avignon had its fair share of scruffy areas but for every empty shop there another shop opposite

Where else would you find a clothes shop selling expensive items next to a closed graffiti and poster ridden shop?

I saw a number of these

I call it scruffy chic

You see beauty in everything

I do not

You do

I have seen ugliness

Without answering Race stood up and began making coffee

Coffee

Please

You know Chris I always know when you are in one of these moods

What moods

The Dead of Europe moods

You fuck off and go somewhere beautiful and return depressed and start ranting on about soft borders and mass immigration and the general greyness of everything like a right wing politician

Even this fucking shit hole of a town would be beautiful if it had a Mediterranean climate such as the one in Avignon

That is where you are wrong Race we have just experienced one of the hottest summers for years and if anything the town was even uglier

Meaning

People did not know how to handle it and just wore less showing acres of flesh and awful tattoos

It was vile

They still pursued life at the same pace

It was sweaty and smelly like a big city in a tropical country

And Avignon was not like that?

No

There must have been fat and ugly people in Avignon

There were

But for the most part they dressed so well

They dressed simply

It seemed that everybody in the city had a sense of fashion

Crap you talk such shit Chris

And now you sit on your settee feeling sorry for yourself

Fuck you Race

Both sisters laughed at each other

Fuck you Chris

You know that you are looking to create a world that does not exist with people you approve of

The art instillation went well

There is no ugliness in your world and you do not care about the people that you disregard whether it be because of their race or their opinions or just because they disagree with you

It was a great success

One day you are going to take it too far and get into real trouble especially with the heightened sensitivities of today

Just because I think that this country is run by cunts

This is not an extreme view many people share my opinions

You cannot say things like that

I can say what I please

I wish you were more like me

I have my opinions and some of them are quite close to yours

I think that Europe is in decline and that the borders are far to porous

But I do not articulate this to anybody who care to listen

You must respect other people’s opinions

So if I was a Jew when the Nazis came to power I would have to respect Herr Hitler’s opinions about our race

We are Jewish do not forget that

I am proud to be Jewish

That is my heritage that’s all if I am truthful I prefer Catholicism

Let’s not get into that

It is the same every time you visit a place that appeals to you and you return and rant on about what is wrong with this country

What about our home town do you remember our childhood it was idyllic

But now because of its proximity to the capital city it is not really safe to walk the streets after dark  

I feel okay here

Then why do you carry a sharpened comb on your pocket?

I do not

Fuck off I found it the other day when you coat fell from the hook

It was only something minor

Were you followed?

No

Did somebody touch you up?

No

You did not get a wolf whistle did you?

Don’t take the piss

Well tell me what happened

You are going to laugh but about two months ago I was passing the closed pizza shop when a homeless man grabbed my ankle as I was walked by

What did you do?

I screamed and that was that

I then ran away

A couple of lads by the kebab shop saw what had happened and they crossed the road to confront him

Did they give the pervert a kicking?

He was not a pervert I think he was just asking for money

To feed his habit or buy a drink anyway I did not stay to see what happened as the whole episode had unnerved me

That is why I carry a sharp comb

Would you use it?

I doubt it

Then why carry it

I suppose it acts as a comfort blanket that all

I know what I would have done to that scumbag

I do not want to hear it Chris

Do you remember when we were kids that we were able to walk around this town without inhibition?

Mummy and Daddy trusted this town

And then it was soiled

Betrayed beyond cause

I feel dirty walking the streets

Then why do you not move to your beloved Avignon

I would if you came with me

That is impossible and you know that

I am not as creative as you and I struggle with the language

French is a simple language and very beautiful

Let’s stop here Chris as I get a little tired with your moods

Do you want to see my photographs?

Are they decent?

Very except I was attacked by the light on many occasions

That was the most beautiful aspect of my stay

If I was to be raped then I would choose the light as my lover

 

Bravo Gigi Bravo

 Due to my carelessness I was unable to read or even translate the rest of the story (it was originally written in French)

I would have been interested in its content

I suggested to the Belgium woman that her daughter should visit the northern territories of European countries

The weather for the most part is mundane

But there is much beauty

I would like to think that this would help her

A friend of mine has a malignant tumour in his leg

But he is refusing treatment

He wants to watch it take over his body and suffocate the life from him

This man is the greatest philosopher I know

He has unlocked the secrets of Europe’s decline

Bravo Gigi Bravo

 

Travelling North

I have noticed on the local news that they are claiming that my accident was a racial attack

It was nothing of the sort

I was drunk and hit a man crossing the road

I did not notice his colour until it was too late

Would there have been so much fuss if the victim was white

We live in strange times

It is almost as if we are ashamed of our history

My passport notes that I am Greek but my blood is a mystery to me

I am a European that’s all

A child of Europe and I weep at its decline

I told a priest about the accident and asked what God would have done in the same situation

He told me that God does not drive and I should follow my own conscience

I know that God has forgiven me

There was no intent only weakness

Maybe I should hand myself in as in the Camus story

But the law would come down on me and I would be imprisoned for many years and when I was released I would be an old man

That does not appeal to me

I have travelled for so many years I do not think that I could survive the isolation

If I was hit by a car in a foreign country I would consider it fate

This would not have happened if I had stayed in my village

But because of this incident I am travelling north

Where I will fade into the decay of Europe

The smell will sicken me but I will be nourished at the same time