I am shagging my sister and my school teacher at the same time

Well not really at the same time as that would be impossible

Is that your full name sir

Yes

It is a bit long I fancy

Not really as my bro is called

There are sixteen roundabouts in Basingstoke three of which have been the scene of fatal accidents

Does you brother work sir

Yes he is a policeman

I know that I do not need to know this but what is your sister called

I do not know as I have never asked her

Mary I think

Okay then back to you

Mr

What shall I call you

Just call me Martyn

Well Martin

It is not Martin with an i but Martin with a y

Martyn

If I use Martin then I am easily confused with Martin Heidegger you see

It happens all the time

I suppose it does

Well back to your application I see that you state that you want to be the Dean of St Paul’s

Yes the one in London

John Donne is the Dean of St Paul’s

He is my favourite poet you know although he has not had anything published for a while

That is because he is dead sir

Funny that I was only saying to my missus that I had not seen anything about John in the newspapers for a while

You would have thought that they might have carried his obituary or something

That is because he has been dead for over three hundred years sir

Then there is an opening then

Opening

Yes that will make things easier

Please explain sir

Well I popped down to St Paul’s last week to have a chat with John

Go on

I knew that I had this interview coming up so I thought I would be proactive

Proactive

Yes proactive

I knew that John has been the Dean for a long time and I was going to ask him did he want to do a job swap with me

You wanted to do a job swap

Yes

Were you working

Yes

Where

At the chippy on Albert Street

It burned down two years ago sir

I know but the fryers were not damaged you see

Are you still there

No

Why did you leave

Job satisfaction

I was not getting any job satisfaction

You quit

Yes and that was why I went to London to see John

I thought he might fancy it as a bit of a change

I know that I would certainly like meeting the Queen

What happened

John was not in

That was because he was dead sir

I did not know that then did I

Well this kind of vicar prayed with me and then gave some holy water and a food parcel donated by those kind people at Iceland

So it was not a wasted trip Martyn

It was

Really why

Because all the food defrosted on the tube

I see

Well back to you Martin

It is spelt Martyn

Sorry

You do realise that the Dean of St Paul’s is a little out of your league Martyn

But if John is dead there is obviously a vacancy

Agreed but the church fills them very quickly

Really with him not even cold

Sadly so

That is so unfeeling

I agree

I do not think that God would be impressed

I am sure he wouldn’t

Is the Pope still alive

Yes

Damn and blast I would have liked a bit of that Italian sunshine

Is he old

Yes a bit

So he might pop his clogs quite soon you are saying to me

Martyn are you a Catholic

No does that matter

A bit

Is the Pope Catholic

Yes

I could always convert

It might take too long

That is disappointing but I suppose I could come down a peg or two and become a Bishop

The Bishop of Bath and Wells maybe

Out of the question

Just a plain Bishop then

Still out of the question

Why

Well I have seen on file that you think that religion is a load of old rubbish

I do

That would not really help with any job application would it

Why

Well one of the rules for entry into the church is a belief in God

Really

Yes it is a strange world

You would think that the church would let any anybody in

Discrimination

There are laws against that

I know

Do you think I should take it further

I think that your case might be dismissed Martyn

Why

Because you have not even applied for a job with the church

I suppose you have a point

Martyn I am writing the date of our next appointment on this little card will you be able to keep it

The 22nd of February 1955 yes that will be okay

It will give you the time to do some serious job hunting

It will

Well goodbye Martyn

Thank you

Please can I have your name

John Smith

That is a coincidence

Why

That was my aunties name

It is a small world Martyn

It sure is

Goodbye Martyn