I like women’s football as much as the next guy
I take my kids down to see the Refuge Ladies every Sunday
The standard is shit but what more can you expect
It is like watching five years olds chase a ball in the dark
But there are other things that trouble me
White shorts
Why would I be worried by white shorts you might ask
It is because of something I read which disturbed me
For many years West Brom have worn a mainly white kit
But now the Lady Broms do not want to wear the white shorts
Why
It is because when Liverpool visits them once a month it causes embarrassment
What
It is no secret girls we all know when you are on the rag
I have lost count of the number of times that I have returned from long trips
Looking like somebody has punched me on the mouth
Even the national side are getting in on the act
When I used to play for St Mungo’s we wore an all white kit
In honour of Real Madrid
Football was tough in those days and quite often my legs were cut to ribbons by high tackles
It often went on to my white shorts
Did I mind
Like Hell I did
We just got on with things instead of acting like a bunch of poofs
Another thing that worries me is why lady footballers rarely get pregnant
Why as some are so fucking attractive that their men must be itching
What contraceptive do they use
It must be good and I could make a fortune in developing countries if only I knew what it was
Are they married to Jesuit priests
It is a complete mystery to me
Some of the female footballers are fucking ugly (you know who you are) and their barrenness in understandable
But have you seen the Swedish or Italian sides
I would fuck them all including the substitutes
But rarely do they exhibit the bump
WHY
Is God holding something back
Also while I am thinking about it do their boyfriends and hubbys see them play
No
Mens football is very simple as there are very few mysteries
But women’s football is full of them
If I am ever reincarnated I will come back as a female goalkeeper
As I was a shit male goalkeeper and was heavily criticised
But if I played in the women’s game it would not be noticed