What do you think of this years show

It is much like last years 

Do you think that the people liked my landscape 

It is the best in the room 

Liar 

If I had known that there were so many landscapes 

I would have chosen a different subject 

Yours is the best work here 

It breathes Sussex 

Stan I painted the Berkshire Downs 

Sorry but both counties look so alike 

In your dreams 

I think that is Michael White over there 

Who is he 

He is this years judge 

Is he an artist 

Of course he is he owns the White House Gallery on the seafront 

That is nice 

I do wish that you would take more interest Stan 

Maybe next year you can enter a work 

I am not an artist Jane 

Neither am I 

Rubbish you are a talented artist 

Ladies and Gentleman 

I think that they have decided on the winners 

It gives me great pleasure to introduce to our judge Mr Michael White 

He does not look like an artist

Shut up Stan 

Good Evening Barton I think that most of you know me already 

I have lived in this beautiful town for twenty-eight years and the gallery is six years old in June 

I think you have won Jane 

Stop it Stan you are making me nervous 

I must say that the quality of all the submitted works was of an extraordinary standard this year and judging has been nearly impossible 

zzzzzz

STAN 

But I have drawn a list up of the top three which I will read in reverse order 

In third place Miriam Stoker for Autumn Morning 

I though it was an abstract 

SHHHH

In second place Sussex Landscape by Jane Beatrice William 

Well done Jane you deserve it 

Off you go 

Stan I feel that this is a giant step for me thank you so much for believing in me 

And the winner of the Barton on Sea ——

 Gosh this is a long title 

Is Woman Masturbating behind a Beautiful Spoon with images of Tasmanian Lavender Fields in the distance 

Oh I almost forgot the artist is Stuart Stanley William 

WHAT 

You bastard Stan 

That is me behind the spoon 

I do not know where to put my face 

So no congratulations 

Fuck Off I though that was a private painting 

Between you and me 

I am no artist but I wanted to shake them up 

You are going to die Stan slowly and painfully 

Mr William you may bring your lady wife up if you so wish 

Two brilliant artists under one roof you must be so proud of each other 

One traditional and one so radical 

Barton on Sea celebrates you 

Stan 

Yes 

What are you going to do with your prize 

What are you going to do with your prize 

Buy some more art equipment 

You 

I have no plans 

Why did you not tell me that you were entering a painting 

I thought it would be a surprise 

Some fucking surprise 

I have also got some more good news 

What is that 

You saw me chatting to the mayor 

Yes 

Well he has asked me if I wanted to sell my work 

WHAT

Yes he asked if I would sell it to add to towns collection 

They have some quite famous artists in their collection 

He offered me eight hundred pounds 

What did you say 

Yes of course 

Five hundred plus eight hundred is thirteen hundred pounds 

I am not going to pose for you again 

Then I will need to advertise for a life model 

Have you any friends 

OUCH