What do you think of this years show
It is much like last years
Do you think that the people liked my landscape
It is the best in the room
Liar
If I had known that there were so many landscapes
I would have chosen a different subject
Yours is the best work here
It breathes Sussex
Stan I painted the Berkshire Downs
Sorry but both counties look so alike
In your dreams
I think that is Michael White over there
Who is he
He is this years judge
Is he an artist
Of course he is he owns the White House Gallery on the seafront
That is nice
I do wish that you would take more interest Stan
Maybe next year you can enter a work
I am not an artist Jane
Neither am I
Rubbish you are a talented artist
Ladies and Gentleman
I think that they have decided on the winners
It gives me great pleasure to introduce to our judge Mr Michael White
He does not look like an artist
Shut up Stan
Good Evening Barton I think that most of you know me already
I have lived in this beautiful town for twenty-eight years and the gallery is six years old in June
I think you have won Jane
Stop it Stan you are making me nervous
I must say that the quality of all the submitted works was of an extraordinary standard this year and judging has been nearly impossible
zzzzzz
STAN
But I have drawn a list up of the top three which I will read in reverse order
In third place Miriam Stoker for Autumn Morning
I though it was an abstract
SHHHH
In second place Sussex Landscape by Jane Beatrice William
Well done Jane you deserve it
Off you go
Stan I feel that this is a giant step for me thank you so much for believing in me
And the winner of the Barton on Sea ——
Gosh this is a long title
Is Woman Masturbating behind a Beautiful Spoon with images of Tasmanian Lavender Fields in the distance
Oh I almost forgot the artist is Stuart Stanley William
WHAT
You bastard Stan
That is me behind the spoon
I do not know where to put my face
So no congratulations
Fuck Off I though that was a private painting
Between you and me
I am no artist but I wanted to shake them up
You are going to die Stan slowly and painfully
Mr William you may bring your lady wife up if you so wish
Two brilliant artists under one roof you must be so proud of each other
One traditional and one so radical
Barton on Sea celebrates you
Stan
Yes
What are you going to do with your prize
What are you going to do with your prize
Buy some more art equipment
You
I have no plans
Why did you not tell me that you were entering a painting
I thought it would be a surprise
Some fucking surprise
I have also got some more good news
What is that
You saw me chatting to the mayor
Yes
Well he has asked me if I wanted to sell my work
WHAT
Yes he asked if I would sell it to add to towns collection
They have some quite famous artists in their collection
He offered me eight hundred pounds
What did you say
Yes of course
Five hundred plus eight hundred is thirteen hundred pounds
I am not going to pose for you again
Then I will need to advertise for a life model
Have you any friends
OUCH