I had a female friend
I still have a female friend
Who is the most intelligent woman I know
She shares the same shelf as me
There is no disputing this fact
But she is also one of the ugliest women I know
This is acknowledged openly by my friend
I have a very beautiful mother
Who is ageing like a fine wine
And I have inherited her looks
We both agree that there is a God
It is pretty obvious to us both
As someone somewhere has a sense of humour
I once asked my female friend that if God
Knocked on her door one evening and offered her beauty
Instead of her considerable intellect would she agree
She said that she would decline as she felt comfortable
In her own masses of skin and fat
But what a brain such a brain
Beauty is a small price to pay
I thanked her for her honest answer
She then asked me had I ever seen a woman so beautiful
That she would remain in my memory
I told her that my wife was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen
Then you are a happy and content man
I am a happy and content man
But away from your wife have you ever seen a woman so beautiful
That she took your breath away
I said that this had happened most recently in Canterbury
On a warm summers day
My wife and I had just left the railway station of the east
When we saw a jewess so beautiful that we both remarked on it
But she was the saddest person I had ever seen
Her raven eyes seemed totally devoid of life
A passing mystery it puzzled and troubled me
Until I noticed her orthodox husband
Standing at the bottom of the path
He was considerably older than her and already fat
The marriage had possibly been arranged
I hoped that it was not consanguineous
This woman was so beautiful that it should have been celebrated
The world should have celebrated her beauty
Like the Afghan Girl
But I knew that she would drop children one after another
And that she would turn to fat and her beauty would fade
(as the Afghan Girl had lost her beauty)
Her raven hair would turn stress grey and become wiry
Although the eyes would not change (eyes never change)
The angry ravens would remain there to her last day
I decided to use the toilet at the base of the path
And for some reason her husband followed me in
As he stood next to me pissing I had a great urge to kill him
But nothing happened and our meeting (if it was one)
Passed without incident and he walked sternly towards his wife
And then they disappeared from our day
Into the hollow history I imagined
My friend asked me whether this was fact or fiction
As I do play mind games with her
Something of each I admitted
Do you have any other stories
Many
But they are for another day
I will tell you about the wedding guest
Who sat next to me on the sea wall
And told me that she was troubled
A light touch on the arm
A smile
Our separate ways