I used to travel a lot in Europe

When I was a Samurai

Samurai

Yes

Samurai Samurai

Were you a Samurai

No just Joe Jackson from Bow

I always wore Samurai tee shirts

Blue Black Red and White

Samurai

No Joe

Samurai is longer with us

Is he dead

No he still works at the greengrocers

Do you have any holiday memories

Yes

Would you share them with my paper

No problem

I once travelled to Fuerteventura

With a girl called Richards

That is an odd name

It was her second name

She hated her first name

Why

Would you like to be called Mandy

That is my name

Sorry

I agree is is a gross name

She was well out of my league

A posh Jewish girl from North London

How did you meet her

She came into the greengrocers shop

And asked for a upmarket carrot

Upmarket carrot do they exist

Not that I know of

And then

She asked me if I was a Samurai

I told her I was

And then she asked if I would like to travel to Fuerteventura

I told her that the 69 bus no longer travelled there

And the next thing I knew was I was on a plane

Did you fancy her

Rotten

She ticked all my boxes

Raven hair

Raven eyes

Huge tits

Shakespeare’s Dark Lady

Need I go on

But she made it clear that I was the guy who would be there to stop men bothering her

After all I was a Samurai

She was true to her word

As we slept in different rooms

I wanted her so badly but as a Samurai you must always follow the code

The code

Yes the Code of Honour

The most erotic thing that happened was when she showed me her collection of bikinis

Wow

Yes I was a Lucky Joe

But hey ho it was a free holiday and I knew that I was in no danger of arrest *

And then it happened

You slept with her

No such luck

Please explain

On the second day she said that she would like to explore the dunes

Dunes

Yes they were about a mile distant from the town

I agreed as I imagined that no Samurai had visited the dunes before and I knew that Japan would be proud of me

It was more than a fucking mile more like three and Richards decided to stop on the highest dune with views to the sea and a hut selling orange juice

What happened then

I think I died

Sorry

She undressed fully in front of me

I was not disappointed as she had the most beautiful body I had ever seen

As I noted great tits and a trimmed landing strip

Landing strip

Her pubes

Oh I see

I have never heard it called that before

Really

It was raven like her hair

I longed to land there

A trip to Brazil

Come again

I wanted to fuck her but knew it was out of bounds

She told me to undress as it was a nudist beach

I told her that she had made me excited and as a Samurai I should not show any signs of sexual excitement

Richards said that she found it flattering if men on beaches became hard over her

So I undressed

With a hard on

Yes

What happened next

We went for a swim

And then shared an orange drink

Naked

Very much

Did anything else happen

Not much

Did you remain hard

No the sea was cool

We spent about three hours there and then returned to the villa

Her father owned it by the way

He must have been rich

She said he was a property developer

That fits

What were your feelings

I thought it was only a matter of time as I had seen every inch of her body

Did you touch her

In a way

Explain

She asked me to apply her sun oil

At first I applied it respectfully not touching her more intimate regions

The Code of Honour

Yes

But then she told me to stop acting like a faggot and do it properly

Image I was an artist working in oils

Artist

Yes

Another of her insults was that I was working in watercolours

The Samurai never work with watercolour paints

The must of confused you

I was a walking orgasm

Shower after shower after shower if you get my drift

No

I masturbated in the shower

Really that seems a sensible place to do it

I might give it a try

What is it like

Well you have erotic thoughts about the shower head

What did the Code of Honour say about it

Nothing and that has always confused me

Was there a outcome

Yes we went dinner (my treat)

But nothing else

I was totally fucked

Zero zero zero zero

I slept like a baby but was in for a shock in the morning

Why

Because we were not alone

Really

A holiday rep was in the apartment

Which company

Thomas Cook I think

She was wearing the company polo shirt

But only the company polo shirt

I was a little shocked you know

Why did she have a landing strip like Richards

Samurai are not easily shocked you know

But in answer to your question she was totally shaven

It was obvious to me that they had spent the night together

But on further enquires I found out that she had rocked up in the middle of the night pissed as a newt and the reason that she was half naked was that she had pissed or shit herself

Her shorts and panties were on the line in the sunshine

They were nearly dry

Were you uncomfortable

No it seemed that I was on drugs or my coffee had been spiked

Had it

No

I was just living the ultimate male fantasy and nightmare

Did you go to the beach that day

The nudist beach

Yes

What about you Code of Honour

That was long gone

I was in Heaven

We spent all day on that beach

I was getting so brown that I thought I would get stopped at customs

For the first time in my life I was completely happy

Two beautiful women

Totally naked

One Raven the other blonde

I really thought I was dead

But Samurai never die

Did it get better

What do you mean

Was a three on the horizon

I thought so as Maureen

Maureen

The rep

Of course

Came back to the apartment with us

I thought it was a matter of time

And then please tell as I am getting a little wet

Wet

Yes even Guardian journalists get wet

But do not worry as I always carry a spare pair with me

Sorry

Knickers silly

A girls best friend

The first rule of journalism

Always carry a clean pair of knickers

Sensible knickers

Does The Code of Honour mention that

No

Why

Because Samurai do not wear knickers

That figures

Carry on with your story

What happened I really cannot stand it

Nothing

Why

Because I passed out

Too much sun you see

What a cunt

I passed out because I was a wimp

Did they nurse you

I suppose they did

But I cannot remember it

This Samurai was in poor shape and what made it worse was that the villa was empty when I came to my senses

Empty

Yes

What happened

Richards had left a note

What did it say

It was brief

She told me that after a night of passion she had fallen in love with Maureen and that they were on their way to Italy

Romantic Italy

But I was welcome to stay in the villa as long as I wanted

How did you feel

Deflated

This Samurai cried

Samurai warriors do not cry

Poor you

Yes poor me

I left the next day

And as luck would have it I was stopped at customs even thought I was clean

It was okay because as soon as I told them I was a Samurai they waved me through

It scarred me a little you know as I did not want to go to prison *

Joe

Yes

Do you think I am attractive

In a way yes

But you do not have much competition do you as most women who work at the Guardian are fat ugly and have sideburns

That is very true

Joe

Yes

Would you take me to Fuerteventura

Why

Because I have never been there and am very attracted by the idea of nudism

I am no longer a Samurai

I guessed that

Lets go and see what happens and if you are very good then I might show you my tattoo

Tattoo

Yes

Where is it

On my butt cheek

What is it a rose or a violet

No just Jeremy

Then we will go in about two weeks

Fab

Do not forget your spare panties Mandy

There is no need

Why

Because I will not be wearing any Joe

History does not always go in circles you know