About thirty years ago I foolishly let my then husband take some pornographic photographs of me
My instincts told me not do do so at the time but I did not want to seem stuffy to the man I thought I loved
Richard assured me that he would develop them himself and keep no copies
They were for our sexual pleasure only
How wrong I was because as soon as my back was turned he popped down to the local branch of Super Snaps to have them developed
I would have screamed if I had know this as I did not want to share my erotic parts with complete strangers who might take copies
But it got worse much much worse so bad that I contemplated harming myself
In short our photographs became confused with another set of photographs and were given to the wrong person
This person was the vicar of our local church Stephen Hathaway who I knew well as my parents had been members of the congregation of St James since I was small
How did I become aware of this you might ask
That was easy as Stephen recognised me and contacted me to explain what had happened
Instead of receiving photographs of the recent summer garden party he had been given our pornographic photographs in error
I cried immediately on the telephone and actually held a burning cigarette in my open hand until I screamed
The shame was overwhelming
Stephen asked if I would be good enough to meet him so that he might return my photographs and chat to him if I so desired
He assured me that I had not committed a sin and God was not angry with me
Far from it
We met far away from the church
As he thought it would be better that way
So we met in a park in Bristol
At first I could not meet his gaze
But he told me that posing for such photographs was not a sin
If I had been wearing my clothes would we be having the same conversation
No
He even said that my husband had been silly and that was all
Although I chatted to him for quite a while I cannot remember what exactly was said
I was in a daze
Stephen did say that pornography was a much overused word and that if anything was pornographic then war and other forms of abuse filled the box easily and angered God
He handed the photographs back to me in a plain envelope and advised me to destroy them
We parted and I burnt the photographs that evening without telling my husband who I believed thought they were lost
The worst thing was that I suspected that this secretly excited him
A couple of months passed and then out of the blue Stephen rang me and in a brief exchange said that he wanted to discuss something with me
I thought that now my emotions were not so raw I was going to be given advice or further guidance
This was far from the truth
For when I met him on the same park bench he appeared to have been weeping
His eyes were dull and red
I asked him what was wrong
He said he was not worthy of being my friend
And did not deserve to have comfort in the House of God
This had troubled him for a number of years
Stephen then told me a story dating from his time in the Midlands
He told me that he had met his lovely wife Linda in Stoke
I knew her but did not know her well as she was often very quiet
This I thought was down to shyness
How mistaken I was
In short Stephen had met Linda at a dance and although she was in a relationship with one of Stephens friends they hit it off straight away
They began meeting in secret and after a while things became sexual
He tried to fight his desires but was weak of flesh and so was she
And then his friend found out and in an act of extreme kindness gave the couple his blessing and wished them happiness even though he was broken of heart
After a period of reflection and pain they married as at the time they were much younger and were unsure of God’s actual purpose
They brought Adam and David into the world and slowly they began to forgive themselves
But then something really dreadful happened as Stephen’s dear friend committed suicide
He left a note which although cryptic read
I have faded and this is the best way
I once knew true love but lost it
I am not at peace with myself
Or more importantly God
Stephen said that this destroyed him and for a while his relationship with Linda suffered as they both felt dirty
In time through Stephen’s shadow guidance Linda began to live with herself
But Stephen never did although he hid it well
He was offered a church in Bristol and as he put it they ran away
They buried their past
Yet God was quiet
It was only when the theatre of my idiocy was revealed to him that he realised that after a number of years of silence God as speaking to him.
He asked me to forgive him
I said that I would but was I worthy of such a task
He said that I was more than worthy
I forgave him
And for a while quite discreetly we wept together