Lucian had a satellite dish in his garden

Between the roses and the cherry tree

He called it Roland and thought it was a fish

Lucian was a fish but thought he was a dish

(this is an easy mistake to make)

In the movie Amélie

Amélie

Amélie Poulain (to give her her full name)

Had a pet goldfish

This goldfish was related to Lucien

Which made him very happy

As he was deeply in love with Amélie Poulain

He dreamt of lying naked in bed with her

After serious sessions of multiple lovemaking

And discussing existentialism as they stared at the ceiling

But this was never going to happen as he was a fish

(there were also no satellite dishes in the movie)

But unrequited love is better than no love he thought

And began to accept life for what it was

A continuous exploration of the universe and beyond

He might once and for all prove or disprove the existence of God

Lucien believed in God as he had created Amélie Poulain

He had also created grain sacks crème brûlée and the Canal Saint-Martin

That was enough for Lucien so he developed a series of faults

Which so irritated the owners of the dish that they decommissioned it

It was now a nest for crows jackdaws and wrens and a ski slope for robins

One day without warning there was a knock at Lucian’s door

He had been renovating his aquatic castle and was expecting no visitors

Lucian opened the door and there stood Amélie Poulain in her summer frock

(so simple and so very chic French women certainly know how to dress)

She told him that she had tired of Paris as it was full of rubbish sacks

Riots were commonplace (except on Sundays) and people were wearing gilets jaunes (yellow vests) which were crimes against fashion

Amélie Poulain then removed her shoes displaying her narrow feet

(an ingenue with narrow feet now fully displayed)

Lucien knew that he was happier than he had ever been

She asked him whether she might stay in his Sussex cottage

He said that she was more than welcome

Amélie Poulain smiled and her raven eyes grew bigger

(she was even more beautiful than his ruby roses)

But there was a small problem as the cottage had only one bedroom

Lucien said that he would sleep on the settee

Which was instantly refused as she said that she would be happy to share his bed

At that moment two thoughts passed through Lucian’s fish brain

Firstly that he was dead as goldfish live short lives (was this heaven he asked)

But his strongest thought was his belief in God

He was glad that the dish was redundant

For even if God did not exist he wanted to think that God existed

Was Amélie Poulain his own manifestation of God

(questions questions questions just be happy with the moment you silly fish)

Lucian pointed to the dish and told her that he thought he was a dish but deep down knew that satellite dishes did not exist in goldfish bowls

His visitor walked into the garden and enquired why the dish was rusting

Lucian explained the reason why

There is a God she explained which no satellite dish could prove or disprove

God is in your heart

Not in your head

Lucian considered this thought and did not hear Amélie Poulain when she asked if she might take a bath

The journey had been long and sweaty

She wanted to refresh herself

You can bathe with me Lucian and I promise only to use pristine water as I know that soaps and crystals might harm you

Just swim at your leisure and I promise to be careful

I will not sit on you

( censored )

If God exists then why has he not manifested himself to me or anyone in particular and why has Jesus not popped down for a chat or a coffee

It has been over two thousand years

Lucian presumed that the limits of his consciousness were the limits of his understanding

Amélie Poulain spoke to him from the bathroom window and told him to get a move on as the bathwater was cooling

(it is presumed that goldfish prefer cold water but this has never been proved)

(FIN)

Amélie Poulain