Boy or Girl

I will find out later today Stan

That is if I ask the question

Do you want to know

Do you want to know

I think I do

Then I do also

What time are you seeing Simon

At eleven

I will be gone by then

What time does you train leave

At about a quarter to one

Say hello to Paris for me

I adore the city

You might catch a riot

I hope not

Do you know what a Gender Reveal is Stan

Yep

I think it is great fun

When I was in LA a woman had a firework themed Gender Reveal Party

How nice

Yes it went very well until a stray firework set some brushwood alight

I can guess the rest

Lets say there were a number of claims

Would like me to reveal the gender to you Stan

That will be nice

Pink or Blue

I would rather you do not burn these apartments down

I will be careful

Do not text me

I will gender reveal very subtle way

Stan & Jane

Fiction

Before my train arrived I popped to Smiths and purchased a railway magazine and found a copy of The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus (I have a number of copies of this book but whenever I visit Paris I buy a copy so I can be an existentialist for a few hours whilst reading a railway magazine in a trendy cafe)

Although my train was slightly delayed this did not hinder me greatly as it gave me time to visit John for a few moments to say hello

I have to say that I have always liked looking up at our apartment as the train passed underneath

It made me happy to think that we lived up there

Stan and Jane

As normal Jane fussed and texted me to make sure that I was safe

As normal being a typical idiot I ignored these communications and for once I was blindsided by my lovely Jane

As many of you are aware our apartment overlooks the railway line out of St P

This is part of the reason that I/we purchased the apartment as I absolutely love trains

As my Paris bound train snaked out of the beautiful station my attention was distracted by an announcement stating the obvious

I then became aware of a minor commotion and noticed that a few mobile phones were being held up

It was then that I saw clouds of pink confetti floating in the humid air

But it was not just this that was attracting attention as it was being released by a beautiful blonde girl who was obviously with child

It was Jane and to make the event even more memorable she was totally naked on our balcony

Like the others I recorded the event on my phone

I must say that the thought that Jane and I were being blessed with a daughter brought tears to my eyes although I disguised it as a Hay Fever attack

Existentialists do not cry

God is Dead and all that

But to me God was very much alive

And I felt blessed

To be truthful I admired Jane for standing on our balcony stark naked throwing pink confetti into the summer breeze

She knew that would become the centre of attention and most likely end up on the internet

This was her gender reveal and it was for me only

That anonymous chap with his railway magazine in seat twenty-eight

I thought I knew Jane but she had surprised me

She had been one step ahead of Stan

As we reached my beloved Stratford International my mobile bleeped

I had a message

It read

Stan I trust you liked my little surprise and I hope I did not shock too many people

A girl a little girl will share our lives in rural Gloucestershire

Are you happy

I am

Do reply

Jane x

Part 2

Although I am a rather nice chap

I rather like myself

I am also a piece of shit

A real piece of shit and Jane’s theatre was a golden opportunity

I did not answer straight away

A cunning plan Stan

When I did I decided to play the premium shot

Game Set and Match

Jane I just received your message

I thought we agreed to do this F2F but I cannot tell you how excited I am

I am the happiest STAN in the WORLD

And I know that you could not wait to share the news

My train is just approaching the tunnel now

You may wonder why

There is an easy answer as I was allowed on to the earlier train because of previous problems

The people at St P thought this wise as my original train would be packed

In about a minute radio silence will be the order of the day

Again and again I am so happy

I sent this as we were crossing the Medway Bridge and deep down felt a real shit

Jane had tried to make it so special

But it was a golden opportunity

Such a golden opportunity

I thought of Jane in the apartment

Feeling rather silly and knew that I would die when she found out that I was winding her up

I had further thoughts of supposedly finding her photo online and wondering why she was filmed naked on our balcony littering the lines with pink confetti (which is technically against the law)

I might die but I wanted it to be as painless as possible

So I discounted furthering the joke

I also wondered what God would think of me as Jane is an absolute angel

Would I be punished like Sisyphus

I hoped that God had a sense of humour

I soon found out when I popped to use the loo as whilst I was away my new railway magazine was stolen

This said The Myth of Sisyphus was left by the window which said a great deal about the culprit

Rest in Pieces Stan