I have a microwave

I have just figured it out

I can now use the microwave

Wow Joe Wow

But the fucking thing has blown up

I need to buy a new microwave

And have checked the options online

I am totally confused

I sometimes wish I was a woman

But I am not a pervert giving in to disgusting fetishes

There are so many to choose from

In many colours with the exception of lavender or dove grey

They vary widely in price and size

Away from microwaves for a moment it bothers me

Why the West (which is not all that bad) is hated

By others who we do not consider that nice

But I have now discovered the reason why

It was obvious all along

it is the music that accompanies these advertisements

One microwave used the talents of Chopin in its ad

Another for some reason thought The Planets was a good choice

It fried my fucking the brain it has really microwaved my vacancy

The one I settled for found soothing Spanish guitar music an option

Another reason that I chose it was that it promised not to contaminate

My potatoes in their jackets or make my korma curry radioactive

But the main reason apart from Joe lacking the ability to cook

Was that the actress (down on her luck) who hosted the advert

Appeared to be of Scandinavian decent which appealed greatly to me

As I am very attracted to beautiful blond women

Indeed I am married to a very beautiful blond woman

Although she comes from village near Stoke on Trent

As I placed my order on Amazon listening to the Spanish guitar

And watching Helga moving smoothly around the kitchen

I wondered if one was living in war zone

Somewhere in the world

With hardware raining down on a daily basis

What would happen if my microwave fucked up

(given that that I had an electrical supply in the first place)

I would look online and find that instead of it being a simple selection

I would be drowned with choices and the awful fucking music

An impossibly beautiful woman moves around a sparkling house

Her impossibly beautiful children are home from their perfect school

And are waiting with an eager anticipation at a beautiful wooden table

The cupboards are well stocked as is the chic refrigerator with a see thru door

Life is good Life is so very good as God is smiling on his chosen people

The West is in a terminal decline and it is obvious to those who think

That there are no really simple solutions to be found

But one might start with the short lived microwaves


Joe