I once told my geography teacher

That she was emotionally constipated

When she asked me what I meant

I told her that she was full of shit

I was suspended for that remark

A few months after I returned I was sent off

During a rugby match against St Piran’s School

My crime was that I told the referee

To learn the rules of the game

This was the first ever dismissal

Of a Headle Chase rugby player in over sixty years

(do they really keep fucking records I enquired)

This time I was expelled and my father

Sent me to The Douglas School where I excelled

It was whilst I was there that I discovered Art History

And although I had no real artistic talent

I understood the theory perfectly

I went to Cambridge following the subject

And again I excelled and wrote important papers

But my true love was poetry just poetry alone

And that is why you find me still unmarried

Living incestuously with my identical twin

In a small town in Dorset not far from the coast