When I was studying to be an architect
I shared a Fulham flat with two girls
Who were both quite attractive
You might say that I was a lucky fellow
But that was not the case
As I found them quite irritating at times
These are some of the charges
1/ Whenever I was either shaving or cleaning my teeth they would come into the bathroom to take a piss
2/ I do not find girls pissing erotic unlike some other perverts
3/ They would both have an emotional crisis at least once a month
4/ They did not like football even though Fulham FC were just around the corner
5/ Fat friends – they invited their fat female friends to stay at weekends
6/ I do not find fat women attractive especially in states of undress (it can be brutal before a coffee)
7/ Sanitary products – as no matter how hard they tried I found the odd white mouse in the wet room bin
8/ Asking me if I could sleep on the settee when their friends stayed
9/ My only rule was that their friends had to be attractive (No Dogs Allowed)
10/ My bed was my safe space as it was the location of my dreams (this had to be understood)
I am now a successful architect and am happily married with two brats
Yet I sometimes think of those carefree days with a certain nostalgia
My flatmates still live together
In Richmond near the river
They were married last year
Elisabeth and I attended their Richmond wedding
They are planning to move to the Cotswolds quite soon
And I have been asked to help them renovate a barn
Which I have agreed to do
Free of charge
As long as they call their firstborn
Richmond