Tractors

Billy had liked tractors since childhood

His bedroom was colourfully decorated

With tractors red blue and green

Billy vowed to work on a farm when he matured

Which he did and could be often be seen

Driving tractors around the family farm

And then it happened

Billy had an accident

When his tractor rolled into a ditch

And trapped him underneath

Breaking both of his legs and an arm

He was in hospital for some weeks

And when discharged

Found that one leg was longer than the other

This ended his farming career

His sweetheart left him

And he began to hate tractors

Billy started to drink hoping to find love

And one day met a lass named Anne

In The Three Tractors

They agreed to date

But she disliked the smoky atmosphere

Of the only pub in the village

But he had no choice

So they endured the rotten air

That was until Anne asked to leave

As she was asthmatic

Billy then stood up and amazingly

Sucked all the foul smoke into his lungs

He released it outside in the beer garden

Anne could not believe what she had seen

And asked him how he did it

Billy smiled and told his girlfriend

That he was an extractor fan

And that the task was quite simple


Frozen Cows

Farmer Jones found his cows

Frozen solid in the field one morning

It had been the worse winter in memory

And if his cows died then it would be a disaster

So he rang the local vet who gave him a phone number

The farmer rang the number and it was answered by a girl

Mum will be with you within the hour Farmer Jones

And so she was with only a towel and a hairdryer

She began to work almost immediately

Rub rub rub with the bathroom towel

And five minutes with the hairdryer

The cows began to recover one by one

To the amazement of Farmer Jones

And were soon their old selves

He asked the woman what her name was

So that he could spread the word

The woman rather shyly replied

Thora Hird