A few years ago
I lost my job
My wife left me
I was the victim of fraud
And worst of all
My football club was relegated
I decided to end it all
And climbed on to the footbridge
At my local railway station
I would jump under an express train
It was quick and easy with no real fuss
I waited and waited
Until a mugger shouted up to me
There are no trains
A suicide up the line
And would I be as kind
As to throw my wallet down
I did this as I had no need for money
He told me that they were running
A rail replacement bus service
I waited a while and then climbed down
The station forecourt was deserted
I lay in the area reserved for buses
It began to rain but I did not care
I would be able to dry off in heaven
It was then that a little old lady
Tapped me on shoulder with her umbrella
I told her that I would not change my mind
She said that she did not give a fuck
But I was lying in her dog’s fresh diarrhea