Hi Joe 

Hi Jean it has been a long time 

Are you well 

No I am deeper 

I am writing my second book 

Wow 

The title is above

What is it about 

Wanking in the Western World 

Not wankers of the Western World 

I know many 

Joe 

Jean 

How often do you masturbate 

Tick the box 

Never (liar)

Once a hour 

Once a month

One a year 

Josie gives me all my hand jobs 

I have a secret which is far worse 

It is a deep secret 

And it has caused a great deal of friction between Josie and I 

Will you share it 

I will have to ask Josie 

JOSIE

FUCK OFF JOE I AM STILL CROSS WITH YOU

She is in the bath

How often do you masturbate Jean 

You know the answer to that 

Come again 

My mother took Thalidomide 

As I am some years older than you 

Oh yes I forgot you are a Thalid 

Then how do you reach climax 

I sit on washing machines 

The back seats of buses often work 

All that on a bus pass 

I also have a very affectionate dog 

Trained 

Yes 

Does it frustrate you 

Yes 

Then how do you get around the problem 

Apart from giving an illegal a pack of fags

I do not get around the problem Joe 

You are so brave Jean 

You are an inspiration to me

I have got to hand it to you my friend 

Also I am an activist 

I was in London recently 

Which demo 

The No Arms one 

A worthy cause 

I have exposed myself to you Joe 

I know that only too well 

(Joe reflects on reality)

Joe 

Have a stiff drink 

And when you are ready 

Would you tell me your great secret 

Does it involve Taylor Swift

It is worse than that 

Not a female Labour MP 

Not even warm  

It all happened about a year ago when I thought Josie was out

And I started watching something on the internet  

Josie caught me cold 

Were you masturbating over Harry Styles 

Do people wank over Harry Styles

Not that I know 

I would if I had arms 

Thank you for sharing that

Please do not keep me in suspense 

I was listening to

The Day Before You Came 

Not that underrated ABBA song 

Yes 

You are disgusting Joe 

Josie went apeshit at me 

ABBA 

Fucking ABBA 

I really feel for Josie 

ABBA 

Yes ABBA 

Did you make up 

No 

Why 

Because she looked in the loft and found my collection of ABBA albums 

She threw me out of our home 

Which was a pain as we live on the fourth floor 

What did you do 

I fucked all her friends 

Are you forgiven now 

Yes but I paid dearly for my crime 

I was made to give all my ABBA albums to charity 

It was a charity that I hated with a vengeance

You paid a heavy price Joe 

And I think that being a Thalid is bad 

You will be in my prayers 

But you are an atheist Jean 

Jean & Joe