Thursday 12th September

If I am honest with myself

I suppose that I am looking for a father figure

On the outside I am a confident girl

A girl with all the gifts

I am a good looking girl

I am a golden cornfield

I have a good degree

If there is such thing as a good degree

My parents always called me the favoured one

As everything came so easily to me

But I knew that I was brittle

That is why I was remote

Which turned off so many who met me

Most guys wanted to possess me

As I frightened them

That is not my idea of a relationship

Although secretly I do want to be possessed

Red Blue Red Blue Red Blue

I have always been attracted to Joe

As he is a force of nature but fragile

As he knew that one day Josie

Would walk out of the garden door

Into the pastoral bliss she desired

When she became unwell

He realised that she was trapped in paradise

They were joined not only by their beauty

But by their alarming similarities

The break up is tearing Joe apart

Yet he wants Josie to be happy

And knows that he owns the key

Joe although abrasive is the kindest guy I know

Even though he is ten years my senior

I feel as Josie does that we were born on the same day

Josie and Cora will start their own lives together

They are so matched for each other

And brutally Joe will return to the islands of his past

He has many people who admire him (many of them girls)

I know that I may have to work fast (that sounds so trite)

He has always said that he thought I was very attractive

This flattered me I wanted to be flattered

But he often says that to girls he finds attractive

I just did not want to end up as one of his friends

A dear friend a girl he taught to swim a friend of my family

But I am not sure what he thinks of me

Am I intelligent enough for him

Do I really understand him

Does he understand his own feelings

I want him to influence me in a creative sense

I want to be creative in my own specialised field

Be it poetry (doubtful) art (more likely) or something else

Having Josie as a dear friend is like having a sister

She is very like me although I am not a gay girl

Last week when Joe was in town

I had lunch with Josie

She is more or less repaired

But is full of guilt

As she knows that Joe is hurting

This guilt does not do her mental state any favours

She scribbled something on a napkin

And passed it to me at the railway station

Look after him just look after him

That was all just seven words

As the train left I saw Josie walking down the platform

She was almost skipping as she faded from view

I knew things were changing obviously they were

But was I a part of this change or just a mere spectator